Finally, there is an answer to this question, and it is a good one. The Real Reason Why Children are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around is simple. If your child acts up in front of you it means that you are being a good mom, and doing your job just right.
The Reason Why Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around
As a mother of two kids, I know exactly how they can be 800% worse when I am around. If they stay with dad, they are always on their best behavior. The drama begins the second I step into the room. Why do they always act up in front of me?
After reading this amazing post from Kate Surfs, I just loved it so much I had to share it with all of you. It is so true: Kids are absolutely 800% worse when around their mothers. Check out her awesome blog for some good parenting advice.
You might also be interested in reading Top 5 Reasons Why Mothers Feel Guilty All The Time. Yes, we do feel guilty because we want to be good moms and sometimes we wonder if we are doing things right. We worry and question everything! Like when kids behave so badly when we are with them. Are they acting up because they need more attention? Are we being selfish? How much do we need to play with our kids? We just can’t help it. It is in our nature to worry because we are moms.
But don’t worry anymore! Here is the answer you have been looking for. Kate, a mom blogger, and parenting instructor reveals the “actual” reason why children are 800% worse when their mothers are around. And here comes her beautiful theory, which will make you feel a little different about those tears and tantrums, I am sure.
This Is The Answer To Why Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around
Because YOU, mama, are their safe place. YOU are the place they can come to with all of their problems. If you can’t make something better… well, then who else can?
YOU, dear mama, are a garbage disposal of unpleasant feelings and emotions.
If a child’s been holding it together all day, in an unpleasant situation, the second they see you, they know it’s time they can finally let go.
That means letting go of whatever… whining… crying… their bowels, etc. It’s the last thing you want to deal with after having been out enjoying yourself, or after coming home, tired, from a day at work… but that’s what we, as mothers, get: the uninhibited expression of a raw emotional release, slapping us in the face, the second we stumble through the door.
You have not spoiled your kids rotten if you are greeted at the door with whining and screaming. Oh no… don’t let anyone tell you that.
Rather, you’ve created a space safe enough for your child to have permission to be natural.
And, by the way… it’s REALLY REALLY important for kids to be natural with their feelings, their emotions, and their bodily functions. When they grow up, we want our children to have highly functioning emotional intelligence and body awareness, right?
So, take it as a good sign and remember this: They save it all for you!
Do your kids start speaking tongue, crying, releasing their bowels, and clinging to you when you walk in the door? Take it as a sign that they love you and just know that I’m sending you lots of love the next time it happens because I know… Oh, I know… it drives us all bonkers-up-the-wall!
If they’re really starting to drive you totally round the bend, though, keep reading for some tips on dealing with those massive apocalyptic tantrums.
How to deal with those tantrums that they save just for you
Knowing why children are 800% worse when their mothers are around doesn’t really help us deal with the stress that comes from those massive blow-out tantrums. I mean, sure, we’re honored that they see us as their safe space, but that doesn’t stop the pounding headache that we get when they wind up to let loose, does it? So, before we say goodbye for today, I just want to go over a few tips that I learned for dealing with tantrums.
Learn to manage YOUR OWN tantrums
First things first, if you want your kids to behave you have to work on your own behavior. Specifically, your emotional control. A 2018 Bringham Young study found that moms with high emotional control have kids who behave better. Lead author Ali Crandall said, “When you lose control of your life, that impacts how you parent. That chaos both directly and indirectly influences your child’s behavior.” It makes sense, right?
When you feel yourself heating up and getting ready to throw your own tantrum (and really, that’s what yelling is- just a grown-up version of a tantrum), do the very things you tell your toddler to do- count to ten and breathe through it. Kids pick up on our stress and take their cues from us. So, if they feel you getting ready to lose control, they’ll assume that there’s something wrong and will lose control right along with you.
If you need some tips on being a calmer parent, I highly recommend reading up on the gentle parenting technique. It really helped me!
Give your kids a sense of control
Think about your own tantrums and what causes them. I’m willing to bet that 9 times out of 10 it has to do with feeling like something is out of your control. Well, that’s exactly why your toddler throws tantrums, too! A child screaming because they didn’t what they want has nothing to do with them being a spoiled brat. It’s literally all about control. They want something and they don’t understand why they can’t have it.
A 2-year-old child doesn’t understand that things cost money and that we have budgets, they just want the pretty toy that’s literally right there in front of them. They don’t understand that carrots are healthy and cake is bad for you, they just know that cake tastes better. When you tell them no, they literally DO NOT understand why. They just feel like you’ve removed their ability to control their own tiny lives.
While you may not be able to give them the exact thing that they want, you can put a little control back into their little hands. If you’re shopping, let them help pick out the things you need. Even if you present them with two of the same thing (this apple or that one, this bag of flour or that one, etc), it helps them feel like they have a say in the matter.
If you’re trying to get them to eat vegetables, give them options and let them decide which one to eat. Basically, just give them as many choices as possible. The reason why children are 800% worse when their mothers are around applies to every hour and activity of the day!
Stay calm and redirect
Children are 800% worse when their mothers are around and that’s also when tantrums happen. Despite your best effort, first stay calm. Yelling will only make it worse. I know it is easier said than done but trust it, it really works.
Instead, ChildWelfare.gov recommends redirecting your child’s attention by saying something like, “Wow, look at that fire engine!” You can also try doing something funny. Make a goofy noise, pretend to fall on your behind or anything else that startles your child out of their tantrum. Don’t laugh at them, though. The goal is to get them to laugh with you, not feel like you’re making fun of them.
Manage your expectations
Above all else, make sure you’re setting reasonable expectations for your kids. As I talked about the other day, studies show that high expectations are literally damaging our children. We need to stop treating them like miniature adults and at least try to remember what it was like to be little.
I highly recommend reading up on developmental psychology. You don’t have to get a degree in it or anything, but just learning about how our kids develop can really help you deal with all of the tantrums and everything else your kids throw at you.
Other Studies You Might Enjoy Reading:
- Science Confirms Children Inherit Their Intelligence From Their Mothers.
- 3 Amazing Reasons Why Your Family Should Go Barefoot More.
- The Amazing Benefit Of Having A Baby After 35.
- Experts Confirm Family Vacations Make Children Smarter.
- Husbands Stress Out Women More Than Children.
- Children growing up with dogs are less likely to suffer mental health issues.
- Going to bed early is best for kids.
- Women Should Go Out With Friends Twice A Week For Better Health
I hope you enjoyed reading The Reason Why Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around. I instantly feel better each time I read it. It reminds me that I need to have a lot of patience. My kids really drive me crazy sometimes! For more parenting advice, check out my parenting section.
Ann Richardson says
My oldest suffered severe brain trauma following Reye’s Syndrome. As Brent recovered enough to return to school, he was placed in a class room with other children with severe brain injuries. It took him 2 weeks before he had a bowel movement at school. At the time, I felt he just had to feel comfortable enough to do it.
Your article confirms my thought. Even when a child suffers severe disabilities (the experts said Brent functioned on a 3-9 month old level), they still know their “safe place.”
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi Ann, thank you for sharing 🙂
Italano says
Right papil breast milk gurl for drink out of a can action three of them brain normal thought Jjirine
TC1986 says
Lol this is ridiculous, I’m sorry but no a kid acts out when mom shows up for one reason, they know mom will take their side, they know in mom’s eyes they can do no wrong, this article is only enabling you mothers who want the assurance that they are still good mom even when their kids are completely brats when mommy shows up, but be have when DAD is around, its because dad lays down the law. MOMS JUST QUIT BEING ENABLERS. AND YOUR CHILD WILL BEHAVE
Courtney Brown says
I agree with you. I can understand the child feeling safe around mom theory, but children who are allowed to act like that usually do horrible things to their mothers when they get into their teens.. Yes the writer may be a loving, and patient parent. But is very weak minded, and being a role model that will create a weak minded and emotionally out of control adult. These will be the type of ppl who will think whatever they do in life, they will be “safe” bc they have their mom. Ok “mom” what if something happens to you? Who is going to baby and put up with your child then? Please don’t reproduce anymore..
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment.
AL says
I disagree…I always behaved well for my mom…always…then when I became a teen I became a monster to her…I was the worst…she always thought she messed up somewhere but just the opposite…she was the enforcer…my dad was the lovey dovey one and when I was little he was the one I could go to and act up to and he would love me unconditionally…when I became a teen our relationship got loads better and my mom was furious…now I’m closest with my dad and have a terrible relationship with my mom…I’m raising my kids how my dad raised me…
Eileen Agnew says
Men I’m sorry to say are guilty of copping put and taking the easy route when it comes to their kids. They don’t want the hard work of having to deal with their children’s behaviours so they leave it mum to do it. They want to look the good guy simple. Life is easier that way. Women are more invested in their children from a biological stand point so enforce to keep them safe and teach lessons about the dangers of life. Women only get one egg. Sorry think about on a biological level. I’m say not men don’t live their kids they do but biological men can father lots of kids so if one gone gets popped off got killed or eaten in cave men days he can easily father another one. Not trying to be controversial but think about ladies and love your mother’s more. By the ways kids play up with mothers who let them
Tania Trammell says
I disagree both me and my fiancé are enforcers and they still behave more around him than me. As soon as I walk in the door the work I’m bombarded by whining crying and everything else. I can’t go to the bathroom by myself but when their dad goes he can sit there for 20-30 mins undisturbed. I have very few moments when they’ll go to their room and play without needing mommy. But let’s face it daddy don’t do It like mommy can. I try hard not to lose my patience with my children that’s been a journey in and of itself because when mommy just needs a couple minutes to walk into another room and decompress for a few minutes here comes babies holding onto my leg (literally). I 10000% agree with the theory.
JG says
My thoughts exactly. Yes, you should cultivate a safe environment for your kids – – but there are no safe environments for obnoxious emotional outbursts and disrespectful behavior/attitudes.
Don’t get it twisted and enable this behavior further. Being a proper parent and teaching the tough lessons of life isn’t supposed to be easy.
Char says
What you’re saying goes with emotionally permissive parenting. In that circumstance, I agree. However children act out from an early age, and at an early age we teach them how to express themselves in a healthy manner and not in a destructive manner. As they grow older, they will still let their hair down and vent with us because it’s a safe place, it’s our job to teach them constructive ways to do that. However, we aren’t perfect beings and we all have bad days. I believe this is more of what the author is talking about.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment and opinion.
Doreen says
I agree. Kids act out because they get attention. Usually when around grandma or others, they are getting attention. When with the parents, if they aren’t getting the attention they want, they will get it in the way they know how— by acting out. I notice my grandsons— one gets lots of attention at home, and has excellent behaviour no matter where he is. The other ones—family of 3– – -are always being sent somewhere to play and be out of sight. They are not well behaved, and are always acting out when the parents are around, —just wanting attention from the parents that they aren’t getting.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing.
LV says
I was an elementary teacher for 24 years. I had parents ask me consistently over the years, “How do you get ‘little billy’ to listen, sit still, follow rules etc? Or, “I hope susie behaves better at school than at home”. I would explain that mostly I wouldn’t have the same issues with negative behaviors because of a few reasons: new environment, peers, and rules with consequences. However! I always said this- home is their safe space and they have held in emotions and stress all day and feel more comfortable at home to release it.
When do you as an adult cry or have a pity party? Probably when you are at home with a loved one, by yourself or talking with someone who you trust completely.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing.
Adam Morris says
Exactly. This is just a feel good article for mom’s who cave to their children’s demands. My situation currently as my wife interferes anytime I try to hold my teenage son accountable when he does wrong. It’s been going on for years and most times she steps in demoralizes and insults me while defending our son sometimes leaving us fighting for days. Obviously this is straining our 25 year marriage and just don’t think she understands the damage caused by making me the most irrelevant and powerless person in our home. Any suggestions on how I can get her to see how she is damaging me and my son?
Creative Healthy Family says
I’m sorry to hear that. I really don’t have any suggestions other than talk to your wife and tell her what you feel. Work together towards better understanding. I hope everything will get better soon!
Teri Dade says
I agree, you need to have a talk with your wife. Undermining your authority in your child’s life will backfire in the biggest of ways. I’m afraid however, that because it sounds like this has been a thing since the child’s birth, that the child already may have lost respect via the mother’s encouragement. I pray that’s not the case, but a conversation definitely needs to be had with your wife, you have to be in one accord when raising and disciplining your child.
Smartass says
Try coming at him Man to Man! If you are able to connect more one on one your relationship wont suffer such hard blows when the hammer comer down. Talk to him as an adult. If hes getting out of line or what have you, excuse my language and being an ass, tell him hes being an ass lol. We were all kids and teens once. Odds are you and him are far more alike than he knows and you butt heads. Go fishing with him, dirt bikes or whatever your guys thing is. Teens think they’re adults so let him talk to you as one and vice versa. Explain to him its out of love and you do know how he feels. Allow him to realize he needs to check himself. But realize too sometimes you need to check yourself in the delivery. Moms are instant bears and defend their cubs. If she isn’t there when things go down she probably is walking in at your most frustrated point. Tell her what happened and let her deal with it and later tell her shes cutting your balls off when she does that. Or throw your hands up when it gets heated and come back to regulate when you have chilled. Now I’m no “professional” nor is every situation the same or all the info on the table. BUT, maybe another angle to get on the same page with him will help. Just a thought! Now go get your balls back lmao
Blippi says
So true. I think fathers are becoming the primary parents now. They not only lead by example, but they foster respect, love and learning. Many men has become the sole teacher in the household, and women are focused on their careers and equality in society now. Great job men! Not that it will be shown much in popular culture, but international men’s day is November 24th.
Billy Neil says
That’s so true. My partner has her career so I gave up working to let her get on with it while I look after our son. I see a lot of discrimination being a dad who’s the primary carer
Lindy Leone says
I totally agree with this comment. I’m a mom of 2 sons. A grandmother of 3. I witness weekly one of my grandsons being the happiest toddler in all times of the day. But when his mother is taking care of him. He’s a disaster. He cries has fits & melt downs. Won’t allow her to hold him get him ready for bed or even eat well with her. He has a fit getting dressed and diaper changes. Fights with her when she puts him in the car seat and puts him to bed. My son usually steps in at her request when she can’t deal with it. As a family we can’t understand why he is acting this way. I watch him 3-4 days a week while they are working. My husband & I have the best time with him. He interacts with us. He listens to us. Takes naps without a problem. Gets in the car with out issues. Even if they are at our house he acts up when she is around. I don’t believe he feels safe with her and is having a let down moment with her. Even on her days off she has problems all day. He won’t nap for her or eat well. There had to be something else going on.
Teri says
Now it’s possible that the DIL is doing some things wrong, as we all do as parents, but the reason people are in this chat is because their toddlers are 800% worse with their mother’s than almost anyone else, and we want to find out why so we can be better parents, and you came here hopefully to find out so you can help your DIL.
I am a grandmother, and my granddaughter’s (2 & 11) live with me about 6 months out of the year (2 months here, 2 months there etc), and I have no problems in some areas where the parents have “0” control, but as the toddler grows, I too am having serious issues with her defiance, screaming, running away and tantrums (and she has taken the term “Terrible Two’s” to a whole new level. I never experienced tantrums and aggression like this with my own 3 children) and that’s just because I need to change her diaper hahahaha, or trying to get her to help clean her mess, sometimes getting dressed, and putting in car seat, and this worsens when grandpa is around.. she refuses to let me do anything and ONLY wants him to do it… with “0” hesitation. It hurts sometimes because I am the one with her 24/7 and loving, and taking care of her and ALL of her needs, and yes disciplining when needed. Grandpa rarely see’s any of that behavior and says “I’m overreacting.” Poppa is always the “Hero.” He’s the good guy (I digress).
I’m here because I need some help in trying to understand why this is so, and how I can help her in a healthy way without losing my own mind.
So, maybe your DIL just needs more encouragement and loving support. It’s stressful to say the least, especially when she’s working and has to come home and continue working. Most fathers are not proactive in raising their kids, hopefully your son isn’t one of these fathers, because sometimes unfortunately the resentment of being unappreciated seeps through, no matter how mature you may be.
Jenifer A Miller says
AMEN!
Indie925 says
Agreed, 800%! Children whine & act out when mommy is around for several reasons,…1) She caves in to their desires, 2) babies them for their controlling of her & 3) actually, punishing her for not being with them 100%.
Elle says
Exactly. It’s enabling the child to continue to learn to communicate via tantrums opposed to trying verbally or other more healthy or positive ways. The only person that can make a difference is the adult based on the way they respond. Ignore the negative communication and encourage more positive communication. Don’t parent based off of emotions but rather whats rightor wrong. If you want different responses from the kids, don’t encourage the negative communicating with a positive reinforcement.
Ben says
As a certified child I can say that this entire thing is just to make mothers feel better about themselves. But I’m just saying that this is ABSOLUTELY untrue so dont get all hyped up and start torturing their child even more, i know how it feels to be one of them and it ABSOLUTELY SUCKS NOBODY LIKES IT AND ITS JUST PURE LIES THEY JUST DONT LIKE YOU/HOW YOU ACT WITH THEM. What I’m saying is just give them what they want. And just in case you forgot, I AM A CHILD MYSELF AND THIS ENTIRE COMMENT IS COMING FROM A CHILD AND I NOW HOW IT FEELS.
Shazza says
Totally agree, that is the issue these days. Children thrive on boundaries and rules and require rules in order to push them so they learn right from wrong. If you don’t set acceptable and firm boundaries and consequences for breaking them then kids do not learn and when you take that learning experience away from them then they act up and out. My kids have a loving home and are not perfect by any means but are much better behaved that their peers because there is a line and when they cross that line there are consequences like no screen time or get electronics completely removed and I expect them to help aswell. You will not allow a child to develop into an effective and good adult able to stand on their own feet by pandering to them. Parents do their children absolutely no favours these days 🙄
Chris says
100% agree. My 5 year old child is well behaved around me because I have boundaries and structure set up that allow safe problem solving and exploration. He is dysregulated around his mother because she meets every single need by coddling and controlling every situation, even laying in bed and hugging him until he falls asleep. It is not because he feels more safe with his mother that he whines and cries more, give me a break. With me he falls asleep in 10 minutes after reading and I love you’d; and sleeps 7-6 waking up to pee on his own once. This is not because he feels unsafe to be awake with me. With her it takes him 1.5 hours to fall asleep and he wakes her up 5 times in the night. These articles are so enabling and disgustingly inaccurate.
Stacey says
Is this also for stay at home moms cuz my kids are 2-1/2 and 4-1/2 and they are always worse with me then there dad, and I’m home with them all day.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi Stacey, yes, for sure! They feel more comfortable and safe with you 🙂
Chris says
How do you know with that little information that they feel less safe with dad?
Latina says
It should be the opposite right? They would behave better with you cause you are with them all day! That’s how it works with nannies, most of us spent a lot more time with children than the parents do that’s why they respect us more! Children usually act out with the person they spent less time!, maybe because that’s the way Of complaining to their parents!
Debbie says
I’m a stay at home mom and my 5 year old son is pretty good all day. Gets bored easily and is very demanding of me & my time . I am the bookkeeper to my husband s business so I do have a little work each day. He is an only child & needs to be kept busy all day. He looks stems to me usually after about two tries. Then my husband comes home & our son hugs him. Then starts in on he wants to rough play and his mouth gets nasty. Talking about punching one of us in the face, roughing us up, knocking us out, he hits my husband. He jokes around a LOT. Thinks everything is a joke. I get frustrated with his choice of words- day after day. I tried time out, spanking taking away privileges & toys. Doesn’t make it stop. So I’m wondering why he gets so physical with my husband & acts up when daddy comes home. We have a great relationship & im the one that reasons with him and calms him down. So any advice?
Thank tou
Creative Healthy Family says
I’m sorry to hear that. I am not a parenting instructor but my opinion is that maybe your son is asking for attention from his dad?
Linda says
So the best thing to do when this happens is to take some time to sit down with your child and ask them if anything happened today that upset, hurt or bothered you. I think that can go a long way to remedy the behavior?
Stacey says
Thanx for the idea to try and sit down with them to see what’s bugging them that is something I haven’t tried yet. To the lady that said my kids are acting up cuz they don’t get enough love or that I let them run the house your couldn’t be more wrong my son is a very sective boy and my daughter is the opposite witch makes for some hard times.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you Stacey.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
I think so Linda 🙂
Lacie says
I worked with children for years. In and out of their home. Now am a mom of a 2 1/2 year old and a 9 month old and a step mom to two teens. I will warn you that from my experience kids will lie. Good kids. This type of questioning is way to leading and they will tell you what you are asking to hear. Also I have seen this behavior many times. I could have just fed the children and their mom will walk through the door and they will lose their crap even asking, begging and crying for food etc. There is definitely something to the safe space thing and also to the fact that they have a bond with their mother like no other person but a lot of it is they want and crave her attention and believe behaving like a wild wounded hungry animal is a good way to get it. I always told moms, when they would ask me why their children would go to bed for me and be good for me, that it was just because I wasn’t mom. Now that I am I mom I know how true this is. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong for kids to fall apart when they see mom and if there is something that happen you most likely will not have to coax it out of them with questions. A simple ” How was your day?” will do most likely.
P says
Thank you for this. Makes so
Much sense. Appreciate your insights
B. Sanford says
That sounds about right. I’ve definitely heard it before that your kids will act up more with you because they feel safe with you. They act up with both my husband and me. They almost never act up when my parents take care of them. Thankfully my parents are also aware of this concept so they don’t judge. Also, I’m lucky enough that if I’m having a rough day and I’m at the end of my patience; I have that great resource to go to the grandparents for a visit.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment. I also believe in this theory and I think it makes total sense.
Susan says
Hi,
I couldn’t disagree with you more. I’m a stay at home mom who showers her kids with love and attentiveness. They also have time to themselves when they can play, together or separately. No TV. When I’m gone and my husband is with them, when I get home, they run to me “we love you Mommy, we missed you”. Then they proceed to go on with whatever they were involved with. I might add when my husband gets home from work, they do the same for him. I believe if you’re raising and disciplining your children in the correct manner, your kids will respond with love accordingly. I’m sorry but children who behave poorly in the presence of their mothers are either not getting the amount of love and attention that they need and deserve or there are other issues going on.
I’ve seen it many times as in the case of our neighbor who allows their 3 yr. old to order them around like they are in charge and the parent not correcting them and allowing it.(I might add this same child is a problem in general with anyone) The way a child responds, ultimately goes hand in hand with the way that child is being raised.
Julie says
Susan,
We’ll said! I agree with you, my husband and I were told many a times together and individually how well behaved our children are. We believe that it is also on how they are raised and shown how to react to situations along with what you have said.
Julie
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you Susan.
Amy says
Susan
Congratulation ! You have perfect kids!
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi Susan, thank you for your comment. I am also a stay at home mom/blogger and my kids are 800% worse when I am around. I try to limit screen time and I give them lots of attention.
Lacie says
I commented earlier in the post but I will ad that I believe your theory sounds very reasonable. Model how to handle your emotions and you will have kids that do the same. It’s just that not all kids are the same The last house hold I worked in had 4 children. All very different. Both parents were amazing people and parents yet their kids would fall apart from time to time. Sometimes all 4 sometimes just one. Every kid has a different personality and a different hunger for attention. I practically raised many kids and it’s nothing like being their parent. The children I nannied were great for me and my own children are lunatics. I know how to raise children but apparently not my own. I joke that no mom should ever raise her own children. It’s like living amongst a pack of wolves clammering for the last scrape of meat.
Beverly Schmader says
Love the way you describe your situation. We are all the right mother for our children. Just to point out we cannot take credit or the blame for how our children turn out. Take for example a person who had murdered we cannot blame their parents. The same as Joyce Myers was raised with sexual abuse has gone on to be an evangelist helping others. Her parents cannot take credit. Prayer is the best most helpful thing we can do for our children. Let go & let God.
Thezs says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This helped me understand my five year old daughter when she “bitches” around me. I was always thinking what have I done wrong to merit those behaviours everytime. Must she hate me that much that I was always the shock absorber to her negative emotions for the day? Then it dawned on me, that is her true feelings and she is free to express it around me. Not that it is I whom she hates but she needs to release her vent up emotions. I would prefer it rather than she grows up with so much controlled anger and hatred to situations she cannot control. Thank you so much for sharing!
Kelly says
Agree to disagree I think is the case here. I have always been told children act up most around mom. It makes you feel bad enough….then the comment above saying your not diciplining right or not giving enough love and attention?? Seriously that only makes you feel worse!
Thank you to the blogger that wrote this! Gave this moma a big smile tonight.
Hurt mommy says
I smiled so much reading this article and then my smiles dropped when I saw the comment about we’re not really raisng them right or loving them right. It hurts me because I’m downright confused as to why my little 2 year old seems to hate me. And wants to hit me and all types of things but no one else. So this post definitely made me feel a little better but it’s still hard. When your toddler wakes us like that and goes to sleep like that it makes me feel like I’ve created an angry child
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi, I understand how you feel. When my oldest son was a toddler it was also very hard sometimes. As he grew older I understood his behavior. He couldn’t express his feelings with words so he act up. Be patient and remember that love is all we need to raise our children 🙂
Mary Jo says
He pulled on UR unresolved anger … they become the energy they feel from their parents. Its all they know .. and learn
Angie says
My daughter will be turning 8 in July. She is so good at school, her teacher dotes on her all the time & tells me she can’t believe that she is such a different kid when she gets home. I am a stay at home mom & when I pick her up from school she turns into this 25 year old woman that is rude, smart mouthed & knows everything. I have such a hard time with her & have had to walk away from her many times so that I don’t completely go off. She hurts my feelings so bad sometimes & I believe I give her a lot of love & she doesn’t go without. People say whoop her, do time out, etc… Which I have done all of bit seems that nothing works. I don’t know what to do when she starts in on me. I end up screaming & loosing it & I hate when she pushes me that far. I know how it feels for your child isnt good with you but is for everyone else. Any advise I will take, but telling us we don’t live our children enough or show it properly is rediculou.
Behold says
It makes you feel bad enough….then the comment above saying your not diciplining right or not giving enough love and attention?? Seriously that only makes you feel worse!
Maybe instead of believing wtv doesn’t make u feel worse and protects ur self image…u should perhaps raise or discipline them different or better. Rather than saying “oh this perspective makes ME feel better” maybe that’s the problem…it’s about u…
Liz says
I don’t feel like that was very fair of you to basically combat everything she just said. If you raise your children right they won’t act out? That’s just ridiculous, I give my kids enormous amounts of love and so does my husband. All kids are different and some are just very difficult and strong headed. It doesn’t mean you aren’t doing a good job at disciplining and raising your child. I say pick your battles, if I am in a store and choosing to let my child get a toy even though I don’t agree with it at the time it’s because I don’t want a meltdown to happen in front of a bunch of people, one of which could be a mom judging me as you just have. So preventing a meltdown and then talking it out when we get home about why that was not an appropriate reaction in a store is my feeling a better way than scaring my child into submission.
sarah says
I don’t thing the original commenter is saying properly disciplined kids never act out, but that kids who always or frequently act out are missing something, be that firmer discipline, a different approach to parenting, more one-on-one time, etc. Parents, moms especially, ,*should* be a safe space, as the blogger writes, but a safe space shouldn’t have to equal bad behavior. Better to teach your child how to handle and properly express their emotions. I agree, kids getting the right amount of attention and boundaries are better for their parents, not worse!
Liz, while I agree in general about picking your battles, in the case of the grocery store, it sounds like your kid is manipulating you into getting exactly what they want for the price of a lecture. Might want to work on no-means-no. Also, not sure the age of your child but anything over the age of 2-3 yrs is much too old to be have meltdowns (aka tantrums) over not getting their way (unless you’re dealing extenuating circumstances like autism).
Kids don’t have to be “scared into submission” to have boundaries and consequences. Kids actually grow up much healthier with clear, calmly enforced boundaries. Parenting with Love and Logic is a great resource.
Dina says
Very well said Sarah. You just took the words out of my mouth. Kids being “scared into submission” is a wrong way of thinking. It is the parents’ responsibility to train a child to control their emotions, to behave appropriately, otherwise they grow up strongly disappointed when real problems hit in the real world. Loving your children and providing for them is most important, but you need to balance that out with discipline. Kids need to know there are consequences for bad behavior, even when they’re adults. Don’t make you’re children selfish/spoiled narcissists by allowing them to control you, manipulation, unhealthy tantrums etc. Set boundaries, and stand firm on that. I do all these things and my 4 children and I have a wonderful relationship. They great me with their emotions, we talk through that,I encourage them and it’s stops there. They know what standards are expected from them so they deliver. Because I believe in them, and know what great potential they hold. My job is to help them achieve the best in life.
Teri says
Although…. i do believe that there should be some “fear” of repercussions/reprimand for violating a boundary. “Fear of getting in trouble,” not afraid of the parent. This also teaches them, that in the “real world” there are rules and laws to abide by, and if you don’t, there will be consequences.
You’ve got to be able to follow through with the punishment however, whatever it may be, even if it inconveniences you. Like the instance of the tantrum in the grocery store. If you need to stop shopping, take your child riotous the bathroom or back to the car, to calm the child down, if not, then you go back home where you can handle it appropriately.
Mel says
I somewhat agree with you on this matter! My children always seem to test me a bit more than their dad! I think it’s because I let them get away with things for longer periods of time! But when I mean business they know it! I think this article is a sorry excuse for mothers to feel better about having bratty children! I hope this doesn’t encourage mothers to stop taking hold of their children’s behavior!!
Mayra says
I am one of the strictest moms out there. I do not baby my toddler. I talk to her like i mean business each time she is misbehaving. I love her, but I do not allowed bad behavior and yet she continues to test me here and there. She has hit me before and i put a stop to it. Then once in a while she tries to do so again and i have to stop her again.I am pretty consistent when I discipline her. Some kids are stubborn and will try and try. Ultimately, they will grow out of that and learn. Some kids are more work than others period. But even thought i’m super strict she still acts up more with me than with her dad.
Latina says
Completely agree with you!
Maz says
Yep, me too.
I’m pretty strict & consistent, a lot more so than my husband, and yet I find myself getting to the point of raising my voice every day (and all day some days)! I’m a stay at home mum who spends a LOT of time with my 3yo son, so he’s certainly not lacking that, or love or attention or discipline!
Those of you commenting on here who apparently have perfect children, keep your put-downs to yourself thanks. I agree that there’s kids out there who need better parenting in their life, but to generalise by saying all badly behaved kids need better parenting is a very harsh & immature opinion & doesn’t help anyone who is dealing with an imperfect child/situation on a daily basis.
Lisa says
If your children are always perfectly behaved then you must be to strict and they know they’ll get in trouble if they fall to pieces. I am also a stay at home parent that maybe leaves my children once every couple months for an hour or so. But when I do leave my parents say they are angels and as soon as I get back they start fighting and my daughter runs to me as if I’ve been gone for years. Even if I leave the room my kids search for me and hug me as if I just got back from vacation. 90% of the time there awesome but there’s always that 10% that the bounce off the walls crying to me about everything. And if anything my children get more attention then they should. I also worked with children before I had my own kids and from my experience all kids loose it sometimes unless they feel they can’t because of fear of getting in trouble or they’ve been abandoned before and think if they be good 100% of the time they’ll never get left again
Grandma... says
Not sure that all of what has been said is accurate..just one person`s thoughts. Susan`s reply echoes mine.. and why is this only directed to the moms? Are dads not equally as important to the family functioning as well as they can? Dads too have the same issues moms have.. being parents is a team activity. Kids feeling loved and cared for and heard is important. But yet again.. sometimes kids need to be corrected for things they do too. I like Susan`s reply.. well said.
Shelley says
I couldn’t agree with with you more Susan. I’m sorry, but I can not agree with that article. If kids are raise right they will not act like that. My kids did not act like that. My daughter is the one who shared this article, because her children act like this. This reason. She is very (let’s say) tightly wound. Therefore her children act that way when she is around. I have them all day long and they are fine. Just had them over night and they were fine. No freak outs, no issues.
Nicole says
Susan – I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, believe me I have enough. But to sit here and generalize all children into one category especially people’s parenting styles is insulting. Your opinion – I believe if you’re raising and disciplining your children in the correct manner, your kids will respond with love accordingly. I’m sorry but children who behave poorly in the presence of their mothers are either not getting the amount of love and attention that they need and deserve or there are other issues going on – is so far fetched it is disturbing. I am an at-home-mom who devotes my entire being to my son who is 6. Granted he has some disabilities and I had to stop working outside the home to be able to take him to multiple therapy visits, research and devote myself 100% to finding the right treatments and the correct way to parent him. I attended countless seminars and read books. You cannot compare one persons issues to another. In return, my 6 year old tells me I am not a good mother, he wants me to leave, he does not have to listen to me, the list goes on. Do I not give him enough of my time? Do I not give him enough of my love? I sure do. So much that I have nothing left for myself. I usually do not comment on things I read but for this, I could not help myself. I am glad your children are being raised correctly and that they respond with the same love you are showing them. I guess, just maybe, your family is not the norm. Maybe you should not jump to judge others too fast. You may not know what else may be going on.
Jackie says
I completely agree with susuan and every diagreeting is being jus as judgemental to parents of children who behave when mom is and is not around. my child is well behaved always. Her teachers always comment on how great she is to have in class, my parents always say what a breeze it is watching her and she never acts up when I am around either. So that means I’m to strict? I teach my child about respect, and have disciplined her from day one. IN my opinion if your child acts up only when mom is around that is mom’s issue and needs to break that habit, I am my child’s safety as I am a single mom and she functions well with or without me. It’s clearly a seek for attention . everyone is entitled to their opinion but it’s just as unfair to say parents whose children are always welcome behaved with or without mom is doing something wrong when cpearly they are doing a great job
Behold says
Spellcheck much?
Dina says
“Spell check much” is the only thing you can say, because she wrote the truth, and it struck a nerve
Mommy of 2 boys says
Susan…while I agree that the way a child responds and acts is GREATLY influenced by the way they were raised, it’s not the only deciding factor. As a preschool teacher, I have seen tons of children who come from very poor home situations and their behavior is excellent. I have also seen children who come from the “PTA, always volunteering in the classroom, always packing the healthy lunches, always showing up for their kiddo’s school events” type of parents who have children with behavioral issues. At the end of the day, it boils down to this:
Parents have the biggest influence on behavior, of course. But ultimately, children will make the decisions on how they act…no matter how well (or unwell) they were raised. The child’s personality also plays a role. I, for example, have ALWAYS had a quiet, patient, “people pleaser” type of personality. So growing up, my good behavior was driven not because my parents were amazing parents of the year, but because my personality was WIRED to please them. My youngest son is three and, so far, is exactly like me in this regard. My oldest, who is 13, not so much. Yes, he’s a teenager, but he has ALWAYS struggled with his emotions, and has had many behavioral issues even though he lives in a home that is full of love, open ears, open arms and shoulders to cry on. He most definitely does NOT have a “people pleaser” type of personality, and has very little patience. This internal hardwiring has a DIRECT influence on how he behaves. Yes, there are ALWAYS consequences in place when he makes a poor choice or is disrespectful. Yes, we eat nothing but healthy foods at home. Yes, he has a regular bedtime and schedule. Yes, we limit and monitor screen time. But he still makes poor choices. And, I might add, he is being raised the EXACT SAME WAY as he younger brother is. PLEASE don’t assume every misbehaving child has inattentive, unloving parents. It’s simply not the case. Like I said, at the end of the day, they will go out and make their own decisions based on their personality and temperament, no matter how they were raised.
mom of 3 girls says
I agree with ‘mom of two boys’. My 3 daughters are all under 7 years old and I can’t tell you how many times I have to stop myself, take a deep breath and give serious thought into how to address each of them in any given situation. Their personalities are so different and no one tactic, method or discipline would work well for all of them. My grandmother tells a funny story about when her sons were young and they were claiming they didn’t like the rice on their plates. My grandfather came into the room and said “who doesn’t like rice?”. They immediately began eating the rice AND saying how much they enjoyed it. She thinks a lower tone of voice is the key. 😉
Wendy says
This is the BEST reply I have read. And 100% accurate. You can literally tell a baby’s temperament almost as soon as they are born. And most don’t deviate much. Too assume, and we all know we’re assuming gets you…to assume a parent is not doing a good job because of the way a child is responding to the outside world is Ludacris. It must be nice thinking your the perfect PARENT while the rest of us fall soo short of the mark!SMH!! WOW, GUESS YOU FORGOT THE LESSON IN H.U.M.L.I.T.Y!
Kim says
Yes, exactly! If you have children with farly compliant personalities, it can make you feel like you’ve got this parenting thing down. It can be a humbling experience for a parent to raise a child with a challenging personality. It will give you a whole new perspective! The thing is, those kids with strong personalities will grow up to be great adults if they are parented positively and patiently.
Esther Urrea says
Yesss!!!!!!
Thomas says
Thank you, mom of 2…Both Susan and the author’s stance on the issue are too simplistic, and either give too much credit to or dismiss the parents influence over their children’s behavior. What’s missing is, as you point out is the child’s temperament and hard-wiring, which accounts for a large percentage of a child’s behavior. If you get a child who is mild mannered that should be no credit to you as the parent. Yet, as we can see on this stream, folks take all the credit AND use it to parent-shame whomever doesn’t fit into that box. It’s the luck of the draw, and it takes a humble and wise person to know this.. If your kid is difficult in the least, parents not only feel their own shame and guilt but have to face the world of “Susans” who Judge so harshly What they have not experienced. We do our best as parents and a little empathy goes a long way.
Taylor says
I am 19 years old, expecting a baby girl very shortly. As with most moms-to-be, I’ve delved deep into my child-hood and tried to decipher my mother’s parenting style, and how it would make me react and feel. In my favour is the fact that I have an excellent memory, and not the far back to remember. So I have a very interesting point of view on this subject. Unfortunately, no matter how excellently you raise your children, there are many sub-internal (specifically how your child thinks and feels), and external (outside of the home/family circle) factors that affect your babies. For example, my mother (although I may be biased) was the best momma I could ever have wished for. She was with us 24/7 as a stay at home mom. She spoke to us like we were equals, not just subordinates as adults sometimes speak to children. She made us feel like equals. Everything was a game, or fun learning activity. We watched 2 movies a week, one documentary, one Disney. Hugs and kisses galore. The works, she is the best. However, she worked one night a week while we were little, and I fell apart both while she was leaving, and would stay awake quietly in bed and fall apart when she came home. It was not a lack of punishment, my siblings and I honestly hardly fought, I would never dare lie, and in general everyone reflects on us as being model children (which of course all ended at about age 15). Alas, I was falling apart. I was also bullied at school, which my mom was acutely aware of, and updated daily on. She even got me counselling, which was not as believed in, or tried and tested as it is currently. She went to all lengths, and as a volunteer at my school, vocalized my problems for me. I was hurting and I took my days out on my mom because she was the person I could trust to take care of me. And it doesn’t stop at ages 6-7…why do you think teenagers can be so brutal and cruel to their mothers? I’ve just come to realize this myself after having moved out over a year ago, that mom becomes your punching bag because she’s the one person who you know, no matter what, will always love you, and support you. The safe zone is real. I know my mother is an amazing woman, a great role model, and an even greater mom, but I knew from the time I was born (as most children do) that she was the one person I could always count on being there, and so she is the person who’s shirt was soiled with my boogers, spit, and tears, who’s patience was tried and tested, who’s forgiveness and understanding was well used, and who I repeatedly disobeyed as I got older and decided I knew better. So Susan, maybe your children are excellent angels who never fall apart on you instead of dad, but maybe they have no external or internal influences that effect them in a negative way so that they would have need to throw a fit, but I find it rather ignorant to assume it’s to your benefit, and that those with a different experience are simply lesser moms. It’s a broad statement to say the least, and every child is unique, every life is unique, every experience is unique, and every single person processes, interprets, and reacts to things differently. We cannot compare apples to oranges, and every situation, and child, is spectacularly different. That’s the magic of the world. And who am I to judge any parent while not knowing the deeper workings of their relationship with their child(ren) or all parties psychological state?
Judge not, and you shall not be judged, condemn not, and you shall not be condemned, forgive, and you too will be forgiven. Luke 6:37
Jo Ann Townley Smith says
Oh I want to hug you right now. You are so correct, so mature and observant, and took my thoughts and put them in print in such a great way! Wish everyone could read and believe
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Jo Ann.
Wendy says
Kudos, to you young lady! You will make an excellent Mom!!
AMY says
You have figured out more in your 19 years, than in my 47 years of life and 14 of those yeard being a mom. Your self-reflection and understanding of your mom and what she did for you and what she went through already makes you an awesome daughter and you will be a wonderful mom. Congratulations!
Tracey says
Thank you Susan, you’re absolutely correct and all these children who come home and have the temper tantrum that they have the minute their mother walks in the door or they walk in the door and see their mom. Those are the ones from my own observation, whose mothers are afraid to spank their children, fuss at their children, punish them or humiliate them in any way shape or form and let them have what they want just to shut them up. All these children who have never gotten in trouble or fussed at in front of their friends or punished/spanked in front of their friends and been allowed to get away with the things that they’ve done have never known humility. I think in today’s world that’s why so many children are committing suicide because they don’t know how to handle a little humility and when the bullies come out, they don’t know what to do about it. So instead of Manning up or walking away from the bullies or speaking up for themselves they end up going off into a corner and crying poor me, poor me and if you never learn what it’s like to be humiliated in life as a child, how can you handle it as an adult when you get humiliated because you lost a job or for whatever other reason something may happen that humiliated you it’s all part of life’s lessons. And people let me just say before you get up on your soapbox, there’s a difference between a spanking and a beating and if you don’t know the difference you might as well be quiet.
JIll says
Tracey, Your response is out of line. Do you sincerely expect a 3 year old boy to “man up”? And let me say that I am a mom that loves my kids fiercely – but I also reprimand in public, spank when the offense rises to that level, take away privilidges, scold them in front of friends and family – – and they STILL act out. Why? Because they are 2 and 3 and are still learning impulse control and good behavior. I would love to have you come over and tell my 2 year old boy to “man up” or my 3 year old to “walk away or stick up for himself”. What pressure you must put on your own children if that’s your expectation!
Brian says
Need to read what she said. 3 and 4 year olds aren’t committing suicide. She is talking about 16 year olds that since birth have had a perfect bubble of safety, and now they are starting to see the real world and their parents can’t protect them they have no idea what to do. The idea is to let your kids experience ALL emotions at a young age, that way they are better able to come up with a method to handle those emotions when they are older. Unfortunately humiliation, sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and grief are all emotions that a child should experience, and have mom and dad nearby to help them through it.
Pat says
Tracey – so you discipline by humiliating your children?
How do you comment that we should humiliate a child and spank them in front of others and then talk about children committing suicide because they don’t have humility?
Are you confusing humiliate with humility?
Dina says
You are taking her words out of context. Very low move
Anika says
Tracey perhaps the increase in childhood suicide rates is in correlation with children not having that safe place or not feeling they can open up to their parents about their concerns. Perhaps it is carrying the pressure of being so well behaved all the time and never having a sounding board when emotions become too big and confronting. Or perhaps it is because the people who should be their supporting and nurturing them are the ones humiliating them!
One does not have to humiliate to effectively discipline and create boundaries. Nor does humiliation assist in building resilience in a child, it undermines it.
Life is more complicated than that.
I have an almost 3 year old son and my husband left when i was pregnant. I have fought so hard and continue to fight to provide my son with the family he should have had.
His dad loves him very much and he his dad. But i have actively encouraged their relationship often to my own detriment. I ensure my son has a routine, clear boundaries, love,nurture and discipline. When he is with his dad he has a wonderful time but often when he gets home he looses it and gets very sooky be it from over stimulation, change in routine, missing his mum. When he is out and about he lives in the moment it is obly after when he is in the safety of his home and mummy that he explores and organises all those emotions that he is learning, and during that time he can be quite high maibtenance. It is epitomised by the fact that he rarely poos when not at home or with me, it is not uncommon for him to poo within 10 minutes of getting home.
When you are out and about and something upsets you do you show it or you are stressed do you show it, most people try to manage it or put on an act until they get home where they may indulge themselves in expressing their emotion.
It is more a credit to the parent if they are behaved when not with you, it isn’t a result of the people they are with but the foundation their mum/parents have given them. With the primary carer they are learning by testing the boundaries, exploring their emotions and letting their guard down; different personalities do this in different ways.
I’m glad you have well behaved children all the time, but be careful for if that changes does that mean you failed… humans make mistakes or get overwhelmed, children are no different. So in 10 years time when your adult child does something appalling i hope you then take full responsibility for that.
Anika says
Remember you take things out on those you love the most,because you know they will still be there.
Perhaps those children that are always well behaved aren’t sure if they disappoint their parents that they will still be there. Perhaps that is why so many well raised and perfectly behaved children are in therapy when they are older!
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Anika. I agree with you.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment. You are a great and strong mom.
MissT says
Couldn’t agree with you more. The moms are so afraid of the kid embarrassing them that they give in just to shit them up. The kid in turn learns how to manipulate mom into doing whatever they want her to do …Or else…
Dina says
Honestly you guys are all brainwashed. Seriously, kids long for someone not only to love them, but how to deal with their emotions. Therefore you train them a.k.a discipline. Not to make them miserable, but to teach them to simplify their life growing up. And in return they respect their parents because they put so much effort, and didn’t take the easy route…
Lisa says
Hi Susan,
I couldn’t disagree with you more! I have twin daughters who are/were perfectly well behaved. Never a problem with them. Now I have a toddler boy that if I so much as blink he will find ways to get into trouble, scream and tantrum all day long when he is with me. When he is with the babysitter or his grandparents he is well behaved. He is not being raised any differently than my daughters were. Not all kids have the same temperament. It’s not just nurture it’s nature. For you to make such a broad statement “I’m sorry but children who behave poorly in the presence of their mothers are either not getting the amount of love and attention that they need and deserve or there are other issues going on,” is rude, insensitive and self-righteous. Not great motherly qualities!
Sher says
Kudos! I think this article is so ignorant. Smh
MissT says
Isn’t it. It actually says that those children who don’t act up are deprived of love and affection and those mom’s aren’t as loving. They just keep giving explanations for the decline in juvenile discipline. We’re ADULTS not children. They have to live in a world not with mommy for the rest of their lives. These children are terrors in the classroom and sometimes become the bullies because they fear nobody. Mommy will save them from the consequences of their actions.
Pat says
Rolling my eyes at you Susan. Shaming other parents?
Claire says
I also agree with Susan! Of course kids are going to feel more comfortable expressing themselves at home but if they are expressing themselves 800 more times negatively than anywhere else then the parents need to check in with themselves regarding their child rearing strategies. Our jobs as parents are to turn out good people to the world who will add something positive to our community, and that should start at home with those they are close too. Our job is to teach our kids how to deal with stress, self calm and treat others with respect. Your future daughter and son-in-laws won’t thank you for teaching your children it’s ok to express themselves negatively at home to those nearest and dearest. My kid wasn’t always perfect but we have a great respectful relationship which he has fostered with those outside the home, teachers etc. It’s ok to get totally frustrated with parenting but don’t look for reasons to stop trying new things.
G says
Yes,i couldn’t agree more with Susan. I have a 10 yr old daughter and a 12 year old son. Neither one of my kids behaves badly around me or around anyone else. My kids have never had melt downs in public or privately. I am a over nurturer, who does not believe in spanking. I teach my kids right from wrong and i teach with respect, so i get respect back. I think a lot of parents really don’t realize that their own behavior or lack thereof negatively impacts the child. The writer of this blog needs to self evaluate her own skills. Just my opinion.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment G
Nicole says
100% agreed. Unfortunately the bulk of the article is wrongfully making moms of these types of children feel better about the situation, when really there’s A LOT you can do to fix the problem. There are many ways to allow your child to feel comfortable and loved WITHOUT tolerating and/or promoting poor behavior and lack of discipline.
Brittni says
Thank you Susan, I agree with you 100%. I’m also a stay at home mom and toddler caregiver. I shower my kids with love, attention, and freedom to play on their own. They are always happy to see me and dad when either one of us walks in the door. They might tell me they want to stay at Gradma’s house and not come home yet. 🙂 If your child is “800%” worse with you maybe they need more mom attention
CV says
Congratz on your perfect angels! Must be nice huh? Guess everyone else is just a piece of shit parent.
Xaviera_Ninnis says
Nice? You don’t know the half of it–heaven is more like it; and no, it’s not everyone else, but unfortunately there’s very little doubt about you fitting into the category you’ve described.
omar says
Amen, I agree 100% with Susan. There’s no reason why a child should misbehave and act crazy just because their mother is around. Maybe the child is more relaxed and comfortable to be themselves around mom, but why should that side of them be little terrors? My wife has been a stay at home mom since the birth of our oldest who is now 11 years old. We have 3 well behaved girls who are well behaved at home and with others. They’re definitely more free to be goofy, loud and playful when they’re at home, but they’ve never been wild bratty kids. Maybe the mothers that are experiencing this, aren’t being strict enough on their little ones. Like my wife says, Kids behave how you allow them to behave.
Tara says
I so strongly disagree with you!! I am a mother to 6 and also a stay at home mom and do nothing but shower my kids with attention…. i do nothing but crafts, baking, sports, and play on my hands and knees with my kids…. when I do leave the kids home with their father and I come home all 6 kids come running to me even my 13 yr old, and the little ones start acting up. So for you as a mother stating that we give are kids no attention is just bs!!!! For you to assume and blame us for stuff that is not true is just wrong I hope you get looked at and judged as a bad mother… i can tell you this my kids are soo happy and the most amazing personalities, but hmmm guess that’s from my bad neglected parenting… you should probably go kiss your kids and be thankful you have them… mom’s like you upset me and make new shake my head more then my kids do!!!
Jeanne says
You are so wrong. I raised 4 of my own and have helped raise 6 grandchildren. The grandkids can be perfect for me but the moment mom gets home they act out. It has nothing to do with how they are being raised, children feel safe with mom and act out because of it.
Natash says
I’m a stay at home mom and my kids are showered with love and affection and time. They are horrid for me at times and an angel for everyone else. Glad your kids are perfect all time, Good for you. You must an amazing person to have produced perfection. 😉
J says
I agree Susan. It really depends on the situation, but if children as a rule are allowed to misbehave it means the mom is not as strict as she could be.
I’ve seen this with a close family member. She’s a great mom, but doesn’t discipline her children. And though this is a nice concept “you are their safe haven where they can let go all their pent up feelings” , I think this kind of thinking can lead to a world of problems. You can help them deal with their feelings in a non-hitting, misbehaving kind of way. Yes, we teach them emotional maturity, by teaching them to deal with their feelings, not by letting them bully us.
Suzie says
I’d love to know how old most of your children are? Ours range from 4-19. Susan you are why woman are fake and suffer alone. I have four very different kiddos. Two are great with or without me, the other two are very quick to come up with demands and fussing about anything. It’s very easy for a set of parents whom both are extremely present, one with a Dad home at 5 o’clock every night. Some of us have husbands that travel and the Moms have to bear the burden most days. My husband and I are extremely affectionate with our kids and constantly give love and kisses. We both discipline in a similar manor. Very ignorant statement that if we parent our kids better they will behave. Good luck!
Rose says
Totally agree with Lacies reply.
Kathy says
Bull crap. It’s because the stay at home mom is spoiling the crap out of them and instead of giving them a firm butt spanking they repeat these words 200 times until they wear themselves out and the spoilt Bratt they are dealing with. My daughter does it every day. No Oliver, no Oliver, no Oliver. Meanwhile kid keeps screaming after 200 times of saying no. Kid is quiet and good when she’s gone and dad is around. They just show their butts when she’s there because she let’s them scream and carry on with no consequences. The dad puts his foot down and they don’t show out around him because he won’t tolerate it. I am living with them and I see it every day.
L barnett says
Susan ..You are right. I would say nice try…to those that believe their child’s very poor behavior is EVER an indication of good parenting. I’ve worked in spec.ed. behavior disorders for 20 years. Trust me…
Hilary says
Well La Dee DA Susan. I guess the majority of us mothers must all be neglectful parents. Sorry we can’t be the perfect mother like you.. I hate mother shaming, and if that’s the attitude you have your children are going to grow up to be a self entitled snob like you.
RM says
As a parent of two kids with special needs, I have one that only exhibits his most extreme behaviors around me. However, Dad typically does not enforce rules and insist he behave. Because my son only gets out of control around me, his father insists I am the reason for all his extreme behaviors, some of which he picked up from his older brother (who misbehaves all across the board- whether at home, school, church, daycare, anywhere). I’ve tried for years to work with this kid and get him the help he needs but it’s not working. When he self injured daily I did a functional behavioral analysis with a special needs non profit that was pointless. Only daily antiviral medication stopped the physical attacks and self injury. I’ve done parenting ADHD class, other parenting classes, taken him to anger management classes and nothing helps for very long. Next step is medication as I can’t deal with him at home and I am mostly on my own with both kids most evenings. I am thinking about throwing in the towel. Maybe it is just me. Maybe he would be better off raised by relatives.
MissT says
I am tired of reading reasons, explanations, and justifications for children acting inappropriately. There is no excuse for misbehaved children except the fact that there is a poor discipline model and lack of structure in the household. Mom is their soft place to land BECAUSE SHE IS SOFT! Children act up in front of their mothers because those mothers don’t discipline them effectively with love. When they’ve been in a structured environment or with people who demand discipline and respect, they know that they don’t have to abide by the rules anymore when their softer mom walks in the room ready to hug, kiss, cuddle, and respond to the whining and crying just the way the undisciplined child wants. This is the same child who is an angel when mom isn’t around because in those settings it’s good behavior that is awarded and not whining and crying. Children know this and act accordingly. Those children whose behavior changes when Mom walks in are indications of poor behavior management on he part of their mother.
Tina says
Thank you for this comment. I couldn’t agree with you and Susan more. I wish parents would stop making excuses for their child’s bad behavior and maybe start giving some love and attention. It’s so hard watching mothers being controlled by children, but then it is them who create it. If your looking for excuses that would make you feel better about your child being a brat, then it’s probab time to start parenting.
Mary Jo says
MOST DEFINITELY!
Mary Jo says
I agree completely … Children can ONLY MIRROR what they have seen .. in their home w their mom and dad … they know NOTHING Else .. EVERYTHING that they are and do is what they saw in their parents. If anger is shown and insane control the sweet child WILL resent it .. and lash out every way he/she can !
Eilidh says
Agree with you 100%. And happy,secure, well behaved children are a great joy ????
Creative & Healthy Family says
They really are ????
Wiz says
I agree with you Susan, this is the worst parenting advice ever! No wonder there are so many brats around. Teaching kids that it’s ok to vent their frustration out on someone close to them just because they can, is a sure fire way to raise an entitled brat with no empathy for others. Kids need to lean to understand how their behaviour can adversely affect others and learn to control it so that they can fit into a civilised society, not that it’s ok to throw a tantrum just because the person on the receiving end is someone who cares about them so they can get away with it. Good grief.
Heather says
I say go with your gut. Doing things differently doesn’t make you a bad parent. Every child is different and one approach may work for one child and not the next. My girls are completely different and they are twins. I do the same thing with both but one is whiny and the other isnt. It isn’t that cut and dry. It’s not a cookie cutter type of situation. Some parents can do everything right, by the books, and end up with a problem child or an adult that has major issues. All you can do is what is best for your kids. It’s important for them to feel secure but at the same time not be a brat all the time. Everything in life is a balancing act.
Mary Jo says
Nope .. sorry .. I totally DISAGREE .. they become WHAT YOU ARE !!! You might not even see it in ur self .. but they pick up on EVERYTHING about you !!! They feel UR energy . being it good or bad .. ALWAYS ! Sooo easy to just blame the child.. they are like EMPTY computers when they enter ur home.. even before that . they feel YOUR energy in the Womb!!!
Bruce Lipton talks about this in detail
Natalie says
I am a stay-at-home mommy of 5. I do attend to my children’s needs, they are courteous to others and behave well for me a lot of the time. However, there are times when we get some major meltdowns. This is not bad, because they need to be taught how to deal with those emotions. Some adults still struggle with this. If you have never experienced this from your child, you are blessed with a gifted child (not necessarily a gifted parent). The rest of us can still have normal healthy relationships with our children, despite the emotional outbursts.
Kiran Kukreja says
Interested in such blogs where you get the tips to raise a successful child
Kiran Kukreja says
I too agree,
It all comes from home
Wat atmosphere we give our child
is seen in them
Interested in such blogs
For more knowledge
Haynah says
I couldn’t agree more with this article! I have 4 boys (16 yrs, 14 yrs, 11 yrs, and 2 yrs) and my youngest child he is worst with me than with anyone else. My three older boys were never like my youngest, they were very calm, quiet, respectful children but I may add that my 2 year old has have more attention than my three older children being that I’m a stay at home mom with him. It’s been rough but I remind myself that I’m very lucky to be able to raise my child than having someone else raise him. I’m so happy that I’ve stumbled upon this article! I thought I was failing as a mom with my youngest child.
G says
You may be spoiling this one too much, this is why he behaves differently than the others, don’t you think?
pinky says
you’ve spoiled your two year old. don’t take comfort from this article. you’re spoiling him. so better do something about it than believing you’re doing everything just fine. you’re not. something’s wrong with the way you’re raising him.
Jen W says
I have two children with polar apposite personalities. The oldest is very social and my youngest is a home body and likes her time to create and be by herself. Both are overachievers in school from K-Jr. High. I have always been told how helpful, caring and what hard workers they are. When my youngest started pre-school every day after school she had a melt down to the point that I started asking her about her day, asking her teachers how her day was going, etc. This has continued through elementary school but with lessoning degrees of drama as the years progress. I do believe that since she is my introvert that it is stressful for her to put her best self forward all day at school. It used to be very crushing to my ego but after looking at it rationally, hearing teachers, counselors, even employers talk about the ever growing demands on both kids and adults I find it only rational that we all need a safe place to be our emotional self when needed. Every parent is doing the best they can for their children so please don’t judge and realize that each child is unique and requires different things. Let’s support each other, parenting is wonderful and challenging. Why do we passively bash each other with words over an article that is meant to help a struggling parent. I, for one, wish I’d read this years ago.
Jen W says
I am a mother of two girls with polar opposite personalities. My oldest is very social and my youngest is mostly an introvert who prefers to spend free time creating and reading. Both are overachievers in school and through the pre-school through(now)Jr. High years I have heard from their teachers that they are both helpful, hard working and genuinely caring girls. When my youngest started pre-school many years ago she would come home every day and have some emotional break down. I worried and fretted, questioned her, asked her teachers, etc. This still occurs but every year it becomes less dramatic. After careful attention, listening to teachers, counselors and even employers talk about the increasing demands placed on our children and ourselves as adults I do believe that we all need a safe haven to release all our stress. Rationally speaking I believe that is what my introverted child does. It takes a lot of energy to present your best self to the world all day especially if you prefer alone time.
Thank you for the article, I wish I’d read it many years ago. To those parents out there doing the best they can please know that you are doing a great job and embrace your little ones for who they are. Let’s please support each other, parenting is wonderful and challenging at the same time, why make it more challenging by ridiculing others because they have a different experience. There is no one size fits all approach besides I have been told by many that its a marathon. It takes at least 26yrs to know how they will turn out.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for sharing 🙂
Jen W. says
I am a mother of two girls with polar opposite personalities. My oldest is very social and my youngest is mostly an introvert who prefers to spend free time creating and reading. Both are overachievers in school and through the pre-school through(now)Jr. High years I have heard from their teachers that they are both helpful, hard working and genuinely caring girls. When my youngest started pre-school many years ago she would come home every day and have some emotional break down. I worried and fretted, questioned her, asked her teachers, etc. This still occurs but every year it becomes less dramatic. After careful attention, listening to teachers, counselors and even employers talk about the increasing demands placed on our children and ourselves as adults I do believe that we all need a safe haven to release all our stress. Rationally speaking I believe that is what my introverted child does. It takes a lot of energy to present your best self to the world all day especially if you prefer alone time.
Thank you for the article, I wish I’d read it many years ago. To those parents out there doing the best they can please know that you are doing a great job and embrace your little ones for who they are. Let’s please support each other, parenting is wonderful and challenging at the same time, why make it more challenging by ridiculing others because they have a different experience. There is no one size fits all approach besides I have been told by many that its a marathon. It takes at least 26yrs to know how they will turn out.
Jenell says
As a Mom to seven kiddos, this is very true. Especially with my two severe adhd/spd/spectrum kids.
I figure, they hold it together all day at school and do a fantastic job of it too (seriously, I wonder often if their teachers are talking about the same kids or if they’ve gotten names confused…)that when they come home it’s the emotional equivalent of taking off my bra after a long day, lol.
It can be overwhelming, but I just let it wash over me instead of leaping into mommy “fix it” mode. Sometimes all they need is to just let it out and have someone go, “Man, that stinks, I’m sorry.”
Carrie Loudin says
I say it is because they think they no longer have to behave or listen if mom is home.
Michael Jacob says
Kids always do what works. If it doesn’t get the desired response, they won’t repeat the behavior. If you respond to inordinate “neediness” by lavishing attention, you foster and encourage the needy behavior. Especially if the kids have some reason to believe that the attention they receive when not acting out is insufficient.
Julia says
You are both right and wrong. Yes children will have their meltdowns and they usually happen when Mom is around. Yes because she represents a safe place. Our job is to help them learn to manage their emotions and to be sure that the world around them is safe and the stress in their world is appropriate.
If we are not aware of their stress or if we bring stress with us when we walk in the door, they may melt down trying to get us to repair the problem or to release the stress.
Moms can usually do a pretty good job of decoding where the problems start. Not always. When we are caught up in the adult world with very real problems, we may need help ourselves. Even very young children react to the stress we feel and share in subtle ways.
Maryann says
That sounds like a lot of bull to me! They act out around only after they realize that they can’t get away with anything. Of course a child is perfect when they are getting what they want. The minute someone (Momma) challenges that, they will be WORSE!!
Karen says
I suffered through the repeated use of the phrase “Children are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around” (5 times in the first 3 paragraphs — why??) with the hopes that I might learn something new about this phenomenon only to find an absurd conclusion.
You can’t say things like “you’re doing your job just right” if your child is “800% Worse” when you are around! That sounds like something you wrote to make your readers love you – not to help.
A child that has the conduct you describe in this article, has been allowed to manipulate that parent for their own selfish purposes so many times that they have learned that it’s always worth a try to flex that control.
On the other hand, start discussing rules and consequences with your children from the age of about 10 months and be consistent with punishments for wrongdoing and praises/prizes for right doing and you will see a very respectful relationship develop that you can depend on where ever and with whomever the child happens to be with.
I raised 5 children who never whined and now my granddaughter doesn’t whine around me. Her parents are not consistent with her – they use bribing to manipulate her into good conduct and she uses bad behavior to manipulate them into bribing – so she whines as soon as they are around and it is sad.
If your child shows bad conduct when you appear – you have a lack of respect NOT a “safe place” relationship!!
Mike Jacob says
Well said. Children will repeat successful behaviors. If the child is getting what he or she wants by exhibiting bad behavior, plan to see that bad behavior repeated. If bad behavior results in negative consequences, and obedience results in positive results, your child will eventually learn that the best outcomes flow from right actions.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi Karen, thank you for your comment. The article was written by a parenting expert and instructor and I included the link to her website. In my opinion, this article is true and I agree 100% with it. But I understand there are different parenting styles and respect your opinion as well.
Grandma... says
This should also be adjusted to mention us Grandmas/pas.. who were there from the birth.. and always cared for the kids. I was hands on grandma from birth until almost age 3. When being excluded from children’s lives due to a new relationship. Sometimes the children also act out when with the replaced family member. My GD acts up I guess you would call it. She is reaching out for the comfort and one on one attention that she had for 3 years. New siblings get the attention. When grandma comes GD mentions that she misses me.. wishes she could be with me more.Her antics are not because of any misdeeds on my part but pure and simple. she misses the attention. Grandparents who took on the role of “ parent“ due to unexpected circumstances also need to be addressed as well. Loving our kids and seeing them move on is awesome.. painful at times. But when a child has been in a grandparents life every day for years.. and then, two days a month. The child has no idea why.. and for that reason I believe they might act out.. not sure that this made sense. But grandparents who had a hands on role for years? We need to be also connected even when the parent moves on..kids need that.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Very interesting. Thank you for your comment.
Stevie says
I’m 18 years old and didn’t have a mother figure in my life from the time I was 10 and up, even before my mother was a severe drug addict and suffers still to this day . Until about a 6 months ago when I seen my mom for the first time in 8 years I had no clue as to why she just let me and my 4 brothers and sisters go. You know in my eyes I thought it was the addiction. I never talked bad about my mom not once . I was always told it was a disease that takes time and motivation. Well now that I’ve seen it and heard it all I can say that I agree with this post 100% I raised all my siblings from the time they were born , I missed school throughout my whole middle school going. I went without dinner to make sure they were fed and yet they acted out on me the most. They’d do anything anybody else asked but the second I asked them to do something or said it was bath time and bedtime I was the most horrible person in the world. But when they wanted something or they were hurt or they just wanted to be loved on or needed help with homework I was there go to. Then at the age of 10 cabell county cps came to our door with police officers and split us all up. I was a wreck just as well as all the babies were. I wasn’t able to see them I couldn’t call them on the phone it’s like my whole world was taken . And for 8 years I never once seen or heard anything from them . Now today as I live on my own and suffer from a few stomach problems I was told that i won’t be able to have children of my own. And for me that hurts, that’s all I used to live for and I LOVE being there for children. It makes me feel so happy and warm inside . All these comments of mother’s bashing this lost is just rude and childish . We all have our own opinions so why put other mother’s down for what they think is best ?
Robin says
Kids who are not disciplined by their mother act this way. They know mommy will pet them and give them their way. Raise your child to respect you and they will
Dusty says
I’m not saying this is false but I disagree that it’s in all cases true. My mother left when I was 8 years old and never returned to my life. My dad became both mom and dad. I now have 2 sons talon 5 who I have shared 50/50 custody with his mom his entire life. He loves his mom and I equally and we get along great together. But when our son acts up to his mom I get the phone call to discipline and have him respect and listen to his mom. So I disagree that they only act up to their moms because they feel comfortable. I believe that sometimes it’s because they don’t respect the mothers discipline My son has told us both manytimes he wants to live with me his dad but we all have talked and want him to wait till he’s closer to 10 to make the change. So if he’s not comfortable with his mom then why would he want his dad? Like I said before I’m no push over when he does wrong I’m actually stricter. I have another son who’s 8. I was lied to till he was 4 and told he was not mine. When I learned he was I fought hard to see him. I did and his mom was so bitter she took me to court the nextb2. Years for any reason possible cost me over $15,000 and she just kept doing it even tho our son said he wanted to come and he was happy and safe. So how is the mom the better safer choice always?
Rachael says
What’s something good that happened today?
What’s something bad that happened today?
Anything we need to work on tonight in that backpack?
That’s our convo in the car after school. I care about their answers. It holds me just as accountable as it does them.
I know they are really tired, but they know I’m not going to let them shred each other or me over here.
We don’t expect perfection. Honesty, trying our best even when we don’t feel like it, “do onto others”…higher on the priority list when it comes to how we treat others.
Ksusha says
Thank you for post it. While I have a basic knowledge of the information it was so nice to see it written out in a way that made laugh and relate 🙂
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you Ksusha.
Jane says
I disagree with this article whole heartedly. Yes, mothers are often the safe space for children, and because of that, sometimes the emotional baggage gets let out for mother more than any other adult in a child’s life. But there’s a huge difference between naughty/bratty behaviour and expressing deep emotion that’s accumulated from the child’s day. My mother was always the safe person for myself and my siblings. She was the only adult in our lives we felt 100% comfortable being ourselves with. And when had emotional baggage (for instance, coming home after visitation with our less than perfect father), we would be in a foul mood and express those feelings openly and visibly. But we also knew we couldn’t get away with shit. We would never throw a wobbly for a sweetie or whinge about what was for dinner. We never tried to hit or kick her and when she stepped in to settle an argument, we obeyed – not due to fear, but respect (because we knew she was fair).
So, to sum up: There are two forms of “letting it out” that children display for their mothers. A) whingeing for things that they want but don’t need/generally behaving badly for attention because they know they’ll receive it/physically verbally abusing their mothers when their mothers don’t instantly acquiesce to their demands/manipulating their mothers into giving them sweets and treats; B) melting down into tears/requiring physical contact (a hug, being held, nursing)/being in a bad temper – unrelated to bribes, sweets, toys, screen time, food (such as what’s being served for dinner), bedtime, etc. – due to a high amount of physical, mental, or emotional stress in the child’s life at that time.
It is my observation that many mothers fall into camp A but think they’re in camp B.
Mama of two says
Thank God! So nice that you share it. I will definietly be back on your website. It’s in my favorite:)
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you!
Audrey says
Children who act out are expressing needs. It might be a need for a nap or maybe blood sugars are low making them irritable. It doesn’t mean parenting style is involved every time, right?
As far as style does go, I’m sure that following a Biblical model is the most effective way to have a loving, blessed family. Raise children with God’s love being role modeled. Easier said than done sometimes, but that’s the way ^_^
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Audrey.
Anna says
Now I can respond to my husband who always tells me that my 1.5 yr old son acts crazy around me cause I don’t know how to deal with versus he is an angel when he stays with dad.
Lynda Joy Power says
Actually I found this article quite insulting. Especially as you said the children act up when mom arrives as a release from bottling up unpleasant situations. My grandkids did this all the time. Are you insinuating that my grandkids find it unpleasant to be with me?
Laurie says
Thank you do very much! I finally feel like I’m actually understanding my child. All the counselors we’ve been thru, not one even came close to this. I’m going to use this advise & may finally be able to get on the same page with my daughter. So tired of the battles with no winners.
Theresa says
Thankyou so much for writing this! I always thought it was just me. I know it is not just me. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that has children who are acting a little crazy. For lack of a better word. I have heard many of my childrens teachers say that they are so well behaved, helpful and kind at school. Then they come home I get expolsions of emotions on many different levels. This will help me in the long run. It is good to know that my children feel safe. So again thank you.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Theresa.
Susan says
I totally agree with your premise and have seen it several times myself, as a teacher. However, you seem to be inferring that it is your idea, it’s not.
I heard a psychiatrist speak about this at length several years ago at a workshop.
Maybe you should let your readers know that you are passing along highly researched information, instead of taking credit for it.
It’s a good idea and I applaud you for letting other parents know, but be clear about its origin.
S.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi Susan, I do mention it at the beginning of the post. I also include a link to the original article written by a professional parenting instructor.
Shikha says
This theory has helped me a lot in understanding my little one. On a side note people who are disagreeing n blaming parenting style for kids acting out in front of their mother: my kid has the best behavior around everybody else, is very social, we’ll behaved listens and obeys most of the time. She only acts out in front of me not I totally let her. After all I understand her the best.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment.
C.M. says
This is ridiculous. It is one thing to let them vent and come to you when they need help. Tantrums are a different story. Come on.
Brittany says
Really great article and very much needed!!!
Thank you!!!????
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment ????
Anon says
Seriously? You are all buying this? In my opinion, this is just another excuse parents give to validate their child’s tantrums and get away without disciplining them. Holding it together? Unpleasant situation? Excuses. Sorry, I don’t believe any of that is true.
Anonymous says
Seriously? You are all buying this? In my opinion, this is just another excuse parents give to validate their child’s tantrums and get away without disciplining them. Holding it together? Unpleasant situation? Excuses. Sorry, I don’t believe any of that is true.
Juhani says
Am I the only one who thinks that this kind of behaviour means that the children are not being disciplined properly? One can teach them emotional security AND proper behaviour. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I was shocked by the line about how when the mommmy gets home her children are allowed to slap her because they have pent up feelings. Hello? You can teach your child emotional maturity and how to deal with their feelings without letting them misbehave. Being strict creates a safe haven. Children NEED boundaries.
Mhmc says
My covert husband stayed home with our preschooler while i worked full time. When i walked through the door she woukd immediately start acting out. I soon realized she was being ignored most of the day and was extremely understimulated and begging for attention. It still happens when shes at her dads and comes home. I cuddle her, love her, and keep her busy with tasks and chores and her behavior improves while shes with me. Then i start all over again after shes been at her dads again.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Very interesting. Thank you for sharing.
bebekco says
thank you so much! this web site is a big help to me as a teacher.It gives me lots of ideas on how to teach my students.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you! Glad to know you enjoy my posts 🙂
Sandra says
Awwww❤️ Love this!! I guess I feel better now haha
jeff says
Your theory is flawed I am a stay at home dad and my 18 month old acts great for me when his mom is at work and i am the one with him all day every day. By your theory because he is good when it is just the two of us I must be a bad parent and since he is a nightmare when his mother gets home she is the good parent. So i say your theory is bogus. Most likely it has to do with maternal bond. A mother does carry the child in her womb for 9+ months which would stand to reason that their bond with their mothers are the main reason it is not because one parent is better than the other although if you are a stay at home mother that sounds great but if your a stay at home father it makes no sense.
Dori says
First, let me say I’m not here to comment on or judge others comments on this post. In fact, I didn’t really even read the comments. People are entitled to their own thoughts no matter what they are.
Pertaining to the actual post itself, I understand the logic behind the theory; but it was never my personal experience as a mother. When my children were younger I encouraged them (and still do) to work through whatever they are feeling WHEN they are feeling it. If you’re mad about something while I’m away, tell someone! Don’t just keep it bottled up to explode when I return. My kids don’t need babysitters anymore; but when they did, I always left them with caregivers that could help them through whatever frustrations ailed them. I never wanted my children to feel like the only “safe area” they have is with me. To me that would have been unrealistic for the future.
Just my own thoughts…
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Dori.
Autum says
This post was perfect and on time! My 11-year-old cries every time I enter the room. We thought maybe she just didn’t like me lol, but she would always crawl to me and cry! This just gave me the reassurance I needed
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Autum.
Carine Tang says
I couldn’t disagree more. She is accepting bad behaviour from her child, and patting herself on the back for it. The reason kids misbehave with you, is because they know exactly what they can get away with. They’ve tested the fences (the little velociraptors!) and they also know that you love them unconditionally. No matter what they do, you will still hug and kiss them and tuck them in at night. They behave better for strangers because it is human nature to want to be liked, AND they fear the wrath of someone who is under no obligation to love them. The solution is to improve your consequences and consistency, so that your child loves you AND respects you.
Hailey says
I love this! It makes me feel better! It has definitely happened to me even with my 1 year old, where someone tells me he has been absolutely wonderful and then he has a meltdown with me right after. I am glad to know it is because he feels safe with me. Thanks for sharing!
Meradee says
Wow, I can not believe some of the comments on here. As a mother and a two-year-old teacher I can tell you that all children are different and many of them behave worse for mom (or dad if dad is the predominant parent). My daughter is overall well behaved. She is very well behaved at school (never gotten in trouble, never any behavior reports, etc), mostly well behaved with her dad (we co-parent) but I always get her worst behavior and it is for exactly this reason.
She is a very sensitive and emotional child but she is the type to keep it in until it explodes. And boy does it explode. I know whenever she is having a crazy tantrum (and I mean fill on possessed child screaming and acting ridiculous) for seemingly no reason (no immediate cause such as being told no or being tired or anything) it is because she is overwhelmed with emotion and finally after all the screaming, pushing me away, etc she breaks down into true tears and climbs into my lap and after some pushing she finally tells me about something that happened at school or her dads house or something that is making her sad/frustrated/etc.
(We are working on this by talking about emotions more, having a journal where she can write/draw how she is feeling, things that comfort her for when she is feeling this way, and it has gotten a bit better. But she is only 5 and she doesn’t have the best role models for emotional regulation (her dad and his mom and siblings are well know for having adult temper tantrums) so it is an ongoing process and I still get the brunt of her emotion so this article definitely helps me to feel better and not feel like a total failure.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment. I love the journal idea! Glad to know the article helped you feel better ????
HitesMites says
56yo new grandma. Two children ages 31 & 24.
When you listen to your children, they learn how to trust that what they say matters to you. When they know that what they say matters to you, they will come to you when they’re older. Be the safe place for your children. Let them be who they are and love them wholly and completely, no matter what.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment. Love ❤️ it!
Karen delagera says
What about teens with special needs? My daughter is approaching 17 and all of her life she brings it all to me. Her dad whom I’m not with anymore gets no issues. At school she controls it. I feel like I am loosing my mind with all of her rages and drama and non stop whining. She’s autistic high anxiety and has a psychosis. Is some of this typical? She asks me constant questions bc she doesn’t understand stuff but when I explain it she asks me over and over same questions. I need help!
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Hi, thank you for your message. You may want to contact Kate @Katesurfs She is a parenting instructor and the one who wrote this beautiful theory. Hope this helps!
Maria Bayley-King says
Thank you so much for answering an almost 9 year old question. I believe this theory to be sooooo true.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
I know right? It is a beautiful theory.
Reginald Onyeahialam says
Children are wonderful gift from God, they are so much made to be more attracted to their mother’s at an early age because that is who they see more often, who they see carry and make sure they are fine, and also play with them. So within that age they tend to be that much worse behaved with their mom than any other person.
Toni says
I love this! It is good to know they are thinking of us as their refuge instead of thinking of all the ways they can torture us! I will try to remember this in the future and hopefully it will help me accept it a little better.
Jennifer says
Am so happy to share my testimony! Here is my story to the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love James so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fight and argument almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because i love him with all my heart and didn’t want to lose him but everything just proved abortive… He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded, cried and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man from israel,jerusalem who eventually helped me out with spell with no side effect… I have never done things like this before but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within two days james called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should spread my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there needs it. You can email DR Adams via (dradamsjohnsoncentre12@gmail. com) Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.
Laurie says
Being a stay at home mother must be wonderful. And having a husband that watches the children when you’re not there seems like a dream come true but not all of us live in that kind of environment. Somme of us work close to 60 hours a week making structure a real challenge.
Of course it’s always the mother’s fault for misbehave children, just ask my daughters father, a man i chose to leave because I’m not going to stay in an abusive relationship.
We don’t all live in a perfect little would but most of us are doing the best we can
Nanci J Bradley says
That’s why mom’s need support, especially single mom’s and single dad’s who have to do it all! People like you need 1 minute self care ideas. You can’t be healthy without some self care and you don’t have time, I would guess. Thanks, Laurie for the great blog idea, I did a workshop on this for childcare providers about 30 years ago so I’ll get it back out there. Hang in there Laurie you’re doing a good job parenting even tho it’s so hard being a working full, full time Mom!
Michelle says
This is so true. I have an 18 month old and he behaves like an angel when he stay with his grandparents or his dad. As soon as I come home from running an errand on my own, he just gets so fussy and just wants me to cuddle and hold him. My husband says I’m the problem but after reading your blog, I can safely say I’m his “safety blanket” ???? thanks!
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. I also think it’s so true!
Stacy says
As a first time mum with no expectations or experience whatsoever, this gave me a massive smile. My 7 month old I’d great with Daddy, and well behaved when am not around. Even in childcare they express that she sits on her own and attempts to place with others. But as soon as she sees me, the game changes. It always makes me smile when she’s a little madam and pulls my hair to chew or takes my glasses off to chew. Now I understand more why. Thanks ????
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for your comment Stacy. So glad to know you love this theory as much as I do ❤️
Stacy says
Thank you! Last week my kids came home from school. I pick them up from the bus stop and we walk in the house and my daughter starts crying. This is totally out of character for her so she wanted me to hug her and there she spilled her guts about a bully on the bus making fun of her Dad. Then I notice my son on the couch with his face in it. He wouldn’t talk to me. She said he’s upset about it also. So I spent the next 20 minutes holding two kids on my lap instead of starting dinner. They felt safe to share their hurting little hearts with me. I’m so thankful they feel they can do that.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Thank you for sharing this Stacy! I am a mom of two kids ages 7 and 2 and it can be really hard sometimes. We just need a lot of patience and ❤️
Nanci J Bradley says
This is so true and hardly ever approached by authors. As a child and family educator with 40 years experience, I know in my gut that you’re right on target.
2-4 year olds are the worst!
Laurie says
Thank you. And yes, my health does suffer. From random colds to high blood pressure. Not much me time in my week & having a child with a form of Aspergers adds more. But i keep trying
Elaina says
I agree partially. I see where you’re coming from. Our babies do feel safe with us because we nurture and care for them most. But have you considered that children take advantage more of mom rather than dad for another reason? For example. Dad says “we don’t push our siblings, if you push again, you’ll be disciplined.” The child still pushes and gets disciplined by dad without another warning. Now when mom says “we don’t push our siblings, if you push again you’ll be disciplined.” The child pushes. Instead on disciplining, mom repeats herself over and over again. We say no countless times and children don’t listen, throw tantrums etc. The child catches on quickly that mom does not follow through what she says. And takes advantage on that. I’ve seen countless examples of just that, including in my own family.
Creative And Healthy Fun Food says
Interesting point of view. Thanks for sharing!
Ricardo Herrera says
Awesome and true!
Mitch says
I’m sorry but this is tripe. This is how Millennials were created. There is nonmaguc time that we suddenly “become adults” and stop this behavior. Barring a disability tgere is zero reason for most of this type of activity. Teach your child an appropriate way to express their frustration. That’s your job. To teach your child. Not let them grow up “natuarally”. This country is far enough down that road. Let’s not put our heads in the sand and just keep pushing forward regardless of the consequences. There is a reason why in 1940 men were men. Period.
Maria Petit says
I love this !!!!!
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thank you!
Amy says
This article brought me to tears! Now I get it! Thanks ❤️
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Monique says
I am really struggling with my one year old right now. This is so helpful to me and at just the right time.
Thank You!
Creative & Healthy Family says
Glad it helped you!
Victoria says
Interesting theory. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any research to back any of this up. The post that’s referenced even claims it was based on a fake study. If there’s any evidence to support this, then I’d be very interested to see it.
This seems to be a hot button topic. There are so many strong opinions, some of which (sadly) come across as being rather vicious. Some sound overly judgmental while others seem incredibly defensive, but I guess that should be expected whenever people have strong opinions. It’s a sad commentary on our culture that civil discourse goes right out the window whenever we encounter opinions that don’t align with ours.
My first impression of this post is that it comes across as being rather sexist. If children throw tantrums with the father, then do we also get to say the he is the “garbage disposal of unpleasant feelings and emotions”? Or is this crown only reserved for the mother? Everything about this post seems to suggest exactly that. I’m all for praising wonderful mamas, but this so-called “study” seems very exclusive (read: no papas allowed…it’s all about *us*). I prefer to think of my husband and I as equal partners in parenthood. What happens to one of us also happens to other. Eh, I suppose I’m just reading too much into things.
I’ll to say that I lean more towards the camp that believes parenting style plays a large roll in children’s behavior. It’s entirely possible that my husband and I got lucky with our (now 5 yr old) daughter, but we’ve always validated our daughter’s feelings while keeping firm limits and boundaries, and we’ve always done it as a team. There’s no good cop, bad cop in our family. We’ve also worked hard to make sure our daughter has a vocabulary to express her feelings in a healthy way. We even have a “feeling map” which we reference often. This is not to say our daughter has never had a tantrum, but we treated each one as an opportunity to discuss her feelings. Sometimes this means that she has to practice what it feels like to be disappointed, sad, and mad. She has learned that these feelings pass and that she can and will survive. Anyways, this works for our family. I’m not trying to preach anything to anyone.
IMO, the “garbage disposal” analogy was a poor choice because it sends the message that mothers should be helpless victims who should get dumped on because (for some reason) that’s their job and that’s what love is. I get it, we all love our kids, almost to the point where we feel like we have to martyr ourselves to give them what they want. But what kind of message is this sending to our kids? That being loved by someone means that they should be able to walk all over that person? I don’t think that sets kids up for healthy relationships when they get older. I don’t really think it teaches emotional intelligence either.
Anyways, if anyone has any research that backs up this “mama is the garbage disposal” theory, please share it.
Paul Archer says
the more people around the child the better the child does
Charlene says
Oh man! This helps to know. Thanks so much for the post!
Latina says
What a joke! Some parents just want to justify the lack of consistency and discipline! Love your children don’t mean spoil them to death, they have to have limits and boundaries, I’m a nanny and my little girl is so good with me!, good nap, good, breakfast, good lunch, she just now who is the authority here!, but if mom or dad are around she is horrible, whine for everything!, she does not want to eat they practically begging her for a bite and never takes a nap with them!!!! Great!!! that’s what they get with their unconditional love, they only get tantrum and bad behavior great job!!!!
HAllow says
Nope. That means you have over babied, over spoiled and ruined your child.
Reminds me of my friend who still treats her son who is about to start high school like he is so helpless that he can’t even wipe his own butt.
She won’t even let him get a Tylenol out of the bottle for Christ sake. Her paranoia is so far fetched that this kid is going to end up with severe attachment issues and mental problems.
He is so spoiled and bratty that you have to hide when you cook dinner because he will find a reason that he suddenly can’t eat if he sees you put salt, pepper or anything on the food while cooking.
As a matter of fact, I was unloading groceries one night and she got mad at ME because he saw a pack of chicken marinade and said he wasn’t going to eat because of it.
Soaliha says
Hi Anna thanks I took it as I am spoiling my 3and half year kid…it’s as if I was reading my own happenings… while reading my kid becomes an actor n starts irritating me ,if writing goes good he starts hugging me …and again deviates starts emotional actions…? should I be abit harsh.
armans says
This is confirmation bias. Sorry to break it to you but dads can also be a happy safe place.
Barbara says
I completely disagree as a full time mom. If a child is releasing, feelings, bowls, expressing themselves, communicating, bonding, give them time if they need it when you come home from work, then make dinner. If they are tired, communicate that feeling. Or include them in making dinner. I am an older mom and grateful for every moment shared. I want a child who wants to learn and is curious about their surroundings and the world around them. Negative attention seeking is a past behavior enforced. This is an opportunity to re-teach in a positive way. Its called parenting lol.
Just my opinion.
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Rachel says
Why is it mothers and not fathers too? My husband is a fantastic father: fair, loving, steady. Why is it always me that they flip out around? I’m not saying that I don’t want the role, or that I shy away from it. It’s just something I’ve always found curious.
THanks for the reply!
Creative & Healthy Family says
Good point!
Charlene says
I really feel that did shed some light on the issue. But it still doesn’t help when she is throwing her school bag and yelling how much she hates me. ????
Joyce says
When I was a kid, any emotional outbursts were met with a stern, “Go to your room and cry it out”. And that’s what I did. My mom did not listen to any form of drama. Period. And I was the only child for twelve years. I was a little adult way before my time. Except, I wasn’t an adult, I only thought I was. My own kids acted pretty good around me, but once adolescence hit, they did what they wanted and asked questions later. I don’t have any answers, but you all seem to. Parenting is hard.
My Mom never created any safe space that the author talks about. Maybe I did not create that safe space for my kids either. I do know I gave them good food, took them places, tried to be a good mom. But honestly, I don’t think they ever saw it. I have been called everything from a bitch to a beast. Whatever.
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing ????
Janel says
You are blessed! I needed to hear that right now! Even though it hurt me and made me cry. You just helped me to be a better mother and also helped me to understand something about my son. God bless you and I pray he keep blessing you and your love ones.
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thanks!
Mary says
I’m so stressed out my 11 year old
Daughter is cursing me out at every turn I’m at my breaking point I really need help
Maria Hussain says
Interesting facts about kids.
Keith Maynard says
I’m calling bullshit on this. It’s because moms are too soft on them and dads are more strict.
Serra says
Oh…..Thank you so so very much….god I thought I was the only one going through this….:)
Cynthia Buffington says
As a mother of two children, I always assumed it was because i was doing a terrible job at parenting. They walk through the door of someone else home, put together, sweet little kids. As if walking through the door of someone elses home is a portal to “good kids”. Only to find out, whenever we leave, the choas begins.
Reading this actually made me cry a bit. I remember dping this to my mother but not until I read the words in thw article. I went and hugged my almost three year old. Beautiful read. Really puts into prospective their side of things.
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thank you Cynthia. It is a beautiful theory and so true for me as well.
Dee says
The reason they act up around there mother is because they know they could and some mother’s baby there kids to the point they want to do everything for them .
Ang says
I would like to add that we all really try to do the best we can. If my kids act wild at my house, then so be it, if they act great at their Dad’s that is fine too. Sometimes I get great behavior and he doesn’t, so he calls me about it. I have called too, I admit. Sometimes they just fight and get mouthy. Sometimes, they fight over who I will sit next too while watching a movie. I love it all, would not change a thing. I love my kids to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, and they know this. I am not perfect. If they receive negativity energy from me and positive energy, then I am teaching them that I am human. They are getting away with more these days as I recover from my divorce and working through things, but I do make time for them. They do act worse for me than anyone else, but I believe this article is correct. Some people might think they are a better mom than me. But when my kid tell me I am the best mom ever, you bet your ass I believe them. You are all doing a great job!
Creative & Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you 🙂
Kai says
A lovely post.
I do not want to be “that” person but every post I’ve ever read about children and their parents, it always seems to be about the mothers and what an inspiration they are to their children and how the child should have this trying amazing bond.
Fathers change nappies, does night feeds, makes them laugh, kisses them when they’re scared, teach them manners, teach them how to cycle, pick them up from school and tells them they Love him/her.
As much as the mothers do. Equally.
Me, as a hard working father, have brought my daughter up by myself without help from her mother. I work and look after my daughter. I’ve fought so hard to have her because I’m a good father.
The fathers care so much for their children and I’ve met some wonderful fathers.
It just seems STILL that this day and age, people still believe a father has to be the one in the background. Works and comes home and does the “man” stuff.
I find it quite sexist and insulting that any post I read about a child and a parent bond, it seems to be always about the mother and child.
But again, a beautiful post and I am sorry for the rant.
X
Creative & Healthy Family says
Hi Kai, I agree with you. I actually wrote a post about dads and how they are as important as moms. You can read it here: https://www.creativehealthyfamily.com/dads-are-not-just-helping-they-are-parenting/ Hope this makes you feel better 🙂
Patti says
I have found much of this true. Many children act up a bit more with mom.
First let me say that I’m a 75 year old young grandmother. Obviously I am not the stereotype 75 year old as I’m reading this blog. LOL Here’s my opinion for what it’s worth. Not one parent and not one child is the same although we can all see similar behavior. Therefore all the blogging and trying to figure out reasons are pretty much useless in my opinion. There is no answer to fit all. Just move on. You’re wasting precious time on something that will not be figured out because it cannot be. There is no answer. People are unique and not one is like the other. Mom A can do the exact same thing Mom B is doing and have different results. It’s an obvious reason why. Mom A has a different child than Mom B. Mom A may have 3 kids and all three react in their own unique way when she’s around. So there you have it. No answer, so no solution. Now what? Enjoy your either calm, annoying, sassy, rude at times, loud, bratty, lovable kids. That’s all normal. It’s the not normal behavior patterns we need to be watching. Not wasting time on this.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment. I just think this is a beautiful theory to make us mothers feel better.
Sally Perry says
I completely disagree.
My 2 kids both girls go to their dad’s house for a few days and come back so relaxed and chilled out
both kids just can’t stop raving about how great dad is, and I sometimes had to scream at them to shut up about their dad and we have agreed that what happens at dads we don’t talk about but I can’t help;p but pry sometimes.
. I will later feel like a complete bitch and have a cry then try to apologize but I don’t, however, he is doing something right I have no idea how he controls them they seem to be so happy in his company so as a woman and a mother of his 2 girls and a child to another I am going to have to say this is complete rubbish.
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for this! I’ve always noticed this and always hoped that it was because they felt safe expressing their emotions around me because they know it’s ok. This makes me feel so much better about the whining and crying and on and on and on that is the cause of so much frustration. I know they’re getting older and I need to remember that I need to continue to be the safe space they need. Again, thank you!
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment. It is a beautiful theory and a great reminder when I feel exhausted!
Sarah Davidson says
I dont agree, sorry but i still can’t dissagree entirely, i am a mother of three and i get same winning and disturbance all the time with from my kids, two girls and a boy, whenever i am with them they act crazy and rebellious, they call me names and still cry hell into my soul, i play with them, always around em, but when dads around, they play and act responsibly, they love him more than me, i don’t spank and yell like he does sometimes, they remind me of how he is better than me. One day i talked about it with my husband and he suggested a solution to the situation, he told me i started it all, and he said “show them you are their mother, love, protection, action, be in control, be fierce when necessary, they can only find one of those qualities and they liken you to a Nanny who have little or no right over them, you are their shepherd, you don’t wave and smile or say its natural when a sheep goes astray, they are still developing and they need control” he said children need more than love, they need someone who can love and control them, not just love and feed and smile, they see things differently and they need someone who can direct. He said even in adults when you show so much love sometimes its missinterpreted to weakness and lack of protection and searching elsewhere becomes an alternative, he said its the reason children run off to their boyfriends or somewhere else at or before 18 or 20.
Its been over one and a half year applying his method and i am now in control of my home, without question they love and flocks around me now more than him, they no longer act rebellious or torture me intentionally, they now play like and act towards me like all mothers would expect from their kids. Thanks for the post, but accepting to keep extracting insult and yelling and destroying things when i am alone with them wouldn’t have had a dangerous result in my case.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment and sharing your opinion.
Marcus Meares says
Makes no sense too me. My daughter doesn’t act up around me (her father) and her mother abandoned since she was turning 2. She is 5 now. I have raised her since birth and she is definitely a daddies girl. But I have noticed that when she’s around female teachers she goes crazy but around male teachers she’s well behaved. I’m sure it probably has something to do with father being in her life but perhaps you have a little more answers for me.
Creative Healthy Family says
I’m so sorry to hear about a mother abandoning a child, that must be incredibly hard. This post is just a beautiful theory I shared from a parenting instructor. Maybe talking to a counselor or professional parenting instructor could help you find the answers you are looking for.
Marcus Meares says
Thank you for your quick reply. I have a counselor I y’all to and I will ask her.
J says
Lmao. This article is written for all the mom’s who need a pat on the back and attention when their children do not behave.
Perhaps this constant want for a pat on the back for the parent is the reason for the misbehavior.
As a single father with shared custody since birth I have witnessed the dynamics between child with father and child with mother. My son is out of control with his mother.
Definitely not because he feels safe. Lol.
He gets away with everything at his moms.
Either male or female parent, when you are alone with your child you wear two hats. Nurturer and the order and structure I will put the hammer down if you do not behave hat.
They are not adults nor baby’s and must be treated at age level with mutual respect for their age.
YouTube 123 magic. Perhaps it will help. Good luck to all who need to feel great when you cannot control your kiddos.
Lacey says
I agree with this bit not fully….. I guess you can say I see where this definitely has a good point…. Buuutttttt….. 800% worse???? That’s a bit ridiculous. I have 4 children 13 yr old daughter, 8 year old daughter and 18 month old twin boys!!! 1st child was the best baby, toddler and up until about 9-10 still great… She’s always been great in school and everyone always says how polite, respectful, and helpful she is. Well we’ve hit puberty and a lot has changed still the same at school and for others but with me she’s a stubborn, hard headed, lazy, smartass (just like me, her mother was and still can be at times) now I give her love and attention, I listen when she talks to me…. I always try to express that she always knows that she can talk to me about anything….. ANYTHING…. BECAUSE I LOVE HER…. AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU EVER TELL ME THAT YOU ARE FEELING, THINKING OR HAVE DONE WILL EVER CHANGE THAT…. EVER!!! There is no judgement here, not from me but that does not mean that I will always agree with you or what you want to do or did. I may be disappointed or disapprove of somethings…. It’s going to happen but it will never change my love, appreciation and respect for YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL THAT HAS HER OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. (Those are hers and I never want her to be ashamed of them or feel bad/wrong for having them) I may not like them or agree but they are hers and hers alone. All I can do is listen, give my opinion/advice, and try my very best to help her figure those thoughts and feelings out to help her better understand the situation and how to handle it. ALWAYS exprss my love for her regardless if we have a different outlook on things and that I will always be there for her as long as I’m breathing… MY DAUGHTER…. YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE MY DAUGHTER. Now aside from all that love and support that I want her to know is there, I also want her to know when that mouth gets out of hand and she wants to get cocky with me ? that I will not be disrespected by her or anyone else just as she should want and demand that same respect in life. Usually I only have to say ” remember who you are and who you are speaking to” and she will change her tone but there have been situations where she pushes a little more…. Then I have to put my foot down and put her in her place. My 8 year old girl… Remarkably intelligent bit also very sassy at times (also the most emotional or maybe I should say wears her heart on her sleeve) if she gets out of line and has to be corrected it breaks her heart. She’s 8 she’s still learning but also knows that those big brown puppy dog eyes can make her dad crumble… Not me so much… I tell her to breath and calm herself… I stay with her till she does and breath with her. It works well with her. She’s independent and very good at enteraining herself and that’s how she prefers it. Ooookkay now the twins (my boys) they can’t talk besides the few words they know that are the most important to them at this point in age ( Momma, DaDa, baba, bubba, byebye, mmmhmmm, yeah and nono) These handsome SAVAGES are nothing like my girls were .. clingy, rough, jealous, whiny, curious and risk takers… I love it but they definitely cry more with me but I honestly feel like that is because of their age and lack of being able to understand how to communicate what they feel or want just yet. I’m sure that is frustrating all in itself.. They are better for others but not 800% better or 800% worse when I am around. They are momma’s boys for sure, very affectionate and sure they are a little spoiled… ( Only set of twins in the family sooo.. theu get a lot f attention ) I do correct them and try to stay consistent with it so they know that it’s not okay or wrong but they are going to do and try it until they see what the result of their actions are going to be first hand. I’m usually whispering under my breath ” I told you so” while also consoling them and then placing them in a time out. I said all of that to show just how different all my kids are and that not one particular thing works for all of them. They are constantly reminded that mom is always here for anything…. But she is boss, we will not go back and forth about anything (because you are the child that is being raised and taught how to handle life and all of its ups and downs, so you need to pay attention, listen and learn…. We won’t reason with you or argue with ypu…. It’s ” because I said so” end of story.) They will not always like it and that’s fine because I’m not here to their friend, I’m here to be there parent with a friendly ear and shoulder to cry on if needed but still the parent. I will make decisions for them that they will hate and think I’m so mean, okay so I’m mean but when they are older and a situation presents itself when moms not there…. They will remember that decision that I made and see that it and every other one that I make was always for their benefit and for their own good… Until they are able to make their own decisions and mistakes…. They will have mine to use as example to hopefully help them out when life throws them a challenge that has to be dealt with. There is no right or wrong way to parent your children. Mother’s bashing mother’s is ridiculous….. Just because your opinions are different doesn’t make them better…. Just different…. Just like all of our children. They are all different and require a lot of different things. So yeah my kids are a little bit worse with me but not to the measure in this article… Boundaries have to be set… But they are always going to push the boundaries and that is fine because I want them to push the boundaries in life, take risks, see all the colors of this crazy life, live confident in your skin but most importantly live a humble, respectful and beautiful life. I hope momma taught you almost everything you will ever need to know to survive it!!!
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing. I agree in many things you say here. There is really no right or wrong way to parent your children. What matters at the end of the day is that they feel loved. We try our best to do what is right. This is just a beautiful theory by a parenting instructor and I believe it is true in my case.
Birchi says
Yes you are absolutely right when they are in front of their mom. your explanation is absolutely correct and I am sure your post is very interesting with all moms.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment.
D.C. says
Give me a break, this is why kids are growing up without any regard for rules and have no respect because of parents making excuses for it. Disciplining children is not fun but it’s necessary. So do the hard part and raise your kids properly instead of feeling bad for yourself so you don’t have to.
Stop making excuses for your kids acting like brats and raise them properly. All you are doing is trying to feel good about being a lazy parent which is actually a disservice to your children. Real love for a child is dealing with the bad stuff properly not just hugs and kisses. If you don’t your kids will grow up thinking everyone should cater to them and that is simply not how life works.
What a cop out.
Lacey says
This made me tearful. Since their dad and I split, I have felt like the worst mom possible because they are always worse for me than their dad. It has broke my spirit a number of times, but you, sweet mama, have revived my spirit with your words. Thank you infinitely!
Creative Healthy Family says
Glad to know the post made you feel better. Thank you for your comment.
niki ota says
im a stay at home father of 2 monkeys, 3 and 5 years old. they are well behaved with me all day at home or out in public. when their mom comes home they tend to act up. not because she is their safe place, but because my wife doesnt hold the same strict standards of doing things as i do. we both love our children and they know it. but they definitely act up more around her because they know that dad doesnt allow undisciplined behavior.
my wife often feels guilty and sad or being strict or having to discipline our children, but i always remind her that if we dont stick together during these young years and show them how to behave, they will have a harder time learning discipline later in life.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing.
Karyna Rivera says
It breaks my heart to think I was pushing my son away at a young age when he would act out or constantly have tantrums about the silliest things . I always felt strongly I should embrace him , hug him and love him through it . My family and friends always told me I had to correct him or it’ll be worse when he got older …. my son is a beautiful soul always has been … when he was younger he was much sweeter though and I’m hurting , thinking maybe I turned him a little cold over the years?
He’s 16 now. And has an attitude for days ….
I’m also a new mommy of a 10 month old baby girl and I can see the same traits coming in… my husband has even brought it up a few times how she was just fine and soon as I arrived her attitude sparked
Lol
I’m conflicted …. it’s best to just go with our motherly instincts follow our hearts and stick to our beliefs…
Creative Healthy Family says
I think it is also best to go with our motherly instincts. All our kids need is love.
Thatcher Pinto says
My 3years old daughter started saying that she does’nt like her mama…..that she likes only her dada….my heart breaks to hear this from her….does this usually happen to other moms? or is it only me who has to listen to this kind of a statement….
Creative Healthy Family says
It has happened to me too.
Maria says
Hi I’m a nanny and taking care off 2 precious little princess. Love them to pieces. They’re such a good girls. Listen well. To be short they are angel. but when Mom gets home they started not listening. Talking back to mom and not listening well. I teach them to be a very polite and loving girls. I’m feel bad for Mom. She’s such a sweet gentle soul. 4 year old started pre school I fell like she picks up from school?
Suzie says
800% ridiculous. That’s what moms want to hear,but it’s usually because mom is the only one wrapped around their finger! They seek the parent who always sides with them. The parent who doesn’t follow through with threats. This is the crap my sister reads when everyone is telling her that her child has problems respecting others. It’s the reason she doesn’t “get” that she is responsible for creating her little monster! Bad advice
Carise says
I think it’s a case by case scenario.
My nephew is an angel with everyone but his stay-at-home mom, with whom he’s found usually screaming his head off or even hitting her. She says “I really don’t know why he acts this way”, but we all can guess…
She speaks to him like he’s an adult (he’s 2 years old) and in perfect alignment with his emotions, therefore trying to reason with him and never saying no to anything. He runs wild in the supermarket (only when she’s around, not with anyone else) screaming his lungs off like a lunatic for no apparent reason or just because he wants her full attention – to the point strangers shush him and even reprimend her, of which she comments “people have a lot of nerve”.
Despite being a housewife, she can’t actually get anything done around the house because she is always going after him… the father arrives home late in the evening to many times still cook dinner and iron clothes. Everyday the kid naps and eats at a different time, there’s no set schedule.
The grandparents are the ones who pushed him to walk, the teachers at the kindergarten taught him to speak… he still doesn’t speak much.
Yet of course she believes she’s a great mom BECAUSE she’s the mom and he will always love her the most. She would love this article.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Daniel says
I think it’s pretty ignorant to say that kids are factually 800x worse with their mothers than they are with their dads, as if this is true the world over for every family. I am a dad and I have stumbled across your blog seeking the answer as to why my kids are 800x more misbehaved with me and play angelically with their mother. I am a board game fanatic and have introduced my 4 year old daughter to kids games, I do the Xmas shopping of toys, I play with them and take them out swimming, cycling etc (also have a 19 month son). My partner also does a lot with them, equally so. So I don’t think that your answer is satisfactory or factual at all. It is not evident that mothers are the only safe place for their kids. Maybe it’s just that your husband is neglectful of your kids and they need a place to act out their frustrations? Your post is unfortunately very narrow minded, presumptuous and without any real foundation other than your own experiences. I think you could easily change the title to “Why kids are 800x (or % or whatever) more misbehaved around one parent” and that will at least offer a slightly truer interpretation of what you’re trying to convey here. I’m sorry if I come across rude, as that is not my intention. And good luck with your kids, I totally understand what you’re going through.
Matthew Hembree says
I am 15 years old and I am male and when I was little I did not act out when my mom was near I actually enjoyed her presence may be it depends on the child and what they think maybe cause their minds are like sponges and they think “Oh mom is doing it I should too.” I was also sensitive so I cried but my mom told me whatever she does I do not do the same and I listened or maybe they act out to be loved on who knows I have a baby cousin he’s 4 and he acts out when she is around he can talk so I asked him why does he act out he told me that she is always cleaning and crying then I asked him why does he do it he told me that mom does it so can I and I told him it is not the right way to act so I asked what my aunt does at home she cleans but said nothing about crying but I could sense she was so there it is the child’s mind is a sponge they are partially acting out so be careful on what you do around your child.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing your story.
Andrea says
So i stumbled upon this blog post this morning and read every single comment. I started reading it because of the 800%. I nodded my head in agreement with a smile on my face. And i thought to myself- that is so dang true! Haha! But i really thought it should have been 954%! Haha! I am 50(gulp!) and have a 16( soon to be 17) year old son and an 11( thinking she’s 25) year old daughter. Let me just say that karma comes back around and paybacks are a bitch! Haha! I’m sorry mom for all of the crazy, selfish, teenage-30 year old things I said or did to you and dad. All the late nights I snuck out and ran a muck with my girlfriends to the parties you said I couldn’t go to. For skipping school yet again(because at 15, I knew what was best for me). For yelling at you for threatening to sit outside my classes so I could/would graduate from high school. I apoligize for never listening to you tell me it was for my own good that i was grounded. Turns out you did know best for me mom, and i was a total bitch to you when i was a teenager and you laugh at me all the time because my kids are crazy and argumentative just like their momma(me) was and still is! Haha. I grew up with my awesome parents and younger brother in a loving and disciplined home. Now that being said- there was no fear of CPS being called if you disciplined your child with a spanking in the grocery store or in church or the park, etc. Or other parents looking at you in judgement(either good or bad). Different times now. Ahhh, the good old days!😂
Anyway, as I read through all these comments, some pissed me off, some made me laugh, some made me cry, and some had me just saying WT*? WOW! I think this post started in 2015, i would be curious to know how all the kids are doing/acting now. And the difference between kids that are two or three throwing tantrums and “throwing up” on mom/dad and teenagers doing it are very different. Well, as I write this maybe not….haha! Both of my kids are awesome and irritating and loving and frustrating all rolled up into their special souls. They are sometimes complete shits to me and argue and whine(the daughter girl) but they hug me and tell me they love me and I’m the best mom ever! Of course I tell them it’s because they have to love me because I am the only one they have ever known-And that they are stuck with me! Haha! Now they don’t do it(argue/whine) so much with their dad-who I am married to. Why is that? Because i am the mean one! I have them do chores and homework and feed the animals,etc. I take away the phones and ground them when they are in the wrong. Don’t get me wrong, hubby is an excellent dad! But I’m around them the most. And hormones(old and young)are crazy in this house right now.
I guess, after now sharing a glimpse into my life, I am trying to say that sometimes kids are little shits! Haha! No matter how they are brought up. My parents were awesome and I was a little shit! My brother just never got caught…😜. You raise your kids to the best of your ability and no one knows the whole story of why the kid is yelling at mom/dad. Please don’t be quick to judge others. We are all doing the best we can. And know that the kid who yells or has a fit about taking out the trash after she(I) has told the kid 42 times to take it out-takes it out voluntarily at his place of employment. So she(I) must be doing something right…..😉
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
Billy Neil says
Hmmm I don’t know about that. Our boy is just about to hit 3 and I’ve went part time to look after him while his mum carries on with her career so I have him Monday to Friday. He’s so well behaved with me till his mum comes in and he’s saying ‘bye’ to her as soon as she comes in from work. For that first hour he doesn’t want to be around her which upsets her. Yet when I work a 24hr shift at the weekend he gets on brilliant with her. He seems to be fine when its just one of us, but when we are both together his behaviour is bad. Falls and just a himself…he needs daddy, needs a nappy change….daddy do it. At first it was kinda cute but as it’s went on I feel so sorry for my partner as she’s a brilliant mum and it’s sad seeing her so sad when he keeps rejecting her.
Angela W says
I just saw this and it makes sense but why does it have to be just for the mother? Because my toddler is great when I’m alone with her and then daddy gets home and all bets are off. She is totally a daddys girl too. Hes the one she wants to hold hands with at the dentist, hes the one she cuddles with, hes the one she cries for. So why does it HAVE to be the mother and not the “dominant” parent? I cant think of another word so I’ll use dominant lol although I’m a SAHM so shes with me way more of the time.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thanks for sharing. Yes, I think it is not limited to only the mom but who is the child totally comfortable with 🙂
Jesse vanleuven says
So basically what you are saying that my child doesn’t feel safe around her father!? I feel as tho this artical is just putting the fathers down and making them sound like bad fathers
Creative Healthy Family says
Hi, this is a beautiful theory from an expert parenting instructor. You can agree or disagree. Thanks for your comment.
Baloney says
Baloney.
Marvin says
Please don’t encourage spoiled kids. Discipline is part of being a parent. If your kid/s act up punish them. Plain and simple. Maybe they’ll listen to you.
Leila Monica Galbally says
My daughter behaves badly but it makes me fear losing her because pple will see and then her dad will get her..its terrible..but it’s true..
Jonathan says
This doesn’t really make me feel too great. I’m the main caretaker of my son as a father. When the article says your child is in an unpleasant situation that really made me feel bad. Like my son doesn’t want to be with me or I make him feel unpleasant in someway. When my wife comes around he goes crazy every single time.
M. Russell says
Americans will justify any reason for being…
#1 in the WORLD for fatherlessness
#1 in fathers committing suicides and their children
45,000 FATHER suicides (123 per day) most just trying to be in their child’s life to help father them.
1.5 million PROVEN false accusations filed each year. Many of them on Father’s trying to father their child.
And you know who witnessed these horrors… yep, the CHILDREN, they saw it all and they feel powerless, bitter, angry and it’s going to come out.
Africa teaches even during the breakup the children go with THEIR FATHERS. You know where else that is commanded ALL OVER THE SCRIPTURES. Ephesian 6:4, Prov 17:6, Malachi 4:6 etc… The scriptures give elaborate detail of nations where the mothers raise the children (Isaiah 3) vs the fathers and the results 2,000 years ago are the same as today… and the results – horrifying. The UNIVERSE did NOT design human children to be reared by their mothers. Mothers nurture children FATHERS rear the children and if that formula is ignored then you get a nation where 91% of the prison population comes from homes where the mother raise them, 95% of mass murders come out of homes where the mother demanded to raise them,91% of homeless children and adults came out of homes where their mother demanded to raise them, 80% of school drop outs come from homes where the mother demanded to raise them.
Why are they 800% worse… bendy you weren’t created to be the primary person developing them. Men NATURALLY BUILD that includes their children. The #1 statements from high drop outs, prisoners, gang members is “If I had my father their to raise me my LIFE would have turned out different” … why bendy FATHERS BUILD … mothers nurture. Humans MUST BE BUILT.
MATTHEW says
If mothers are the safe space, then what exactly are fathers? My 5 year old daughter acts almost like a perfect model citizen when we are out in public with just me. The exact opposite can be said when my wife is involved. So if my wife is a safe space, what am I?