We humans are an incredibly judgmental species. From parenting styles to eating habits to political opinions, it seems nothing is safe from our scathing assessment. Well, I say it’s time to stop judging people, especially when we have no idea what their lives are really like.
Please Stop Judging People, You Aren’t Walking in Their Shoes
Why do we so often feel like we have a fundamental right to judge every single choice made by every single person we meet? It’s such a strange thing to do if you think about it. So strange, in fact, that science has devoted decades to studying how we arrive at our judgments.
Countless studies exist, from how we determine a persons’ worth by their appearance to how our emotions affect those opinions.
If you recall, a couple of months ago we talked about how you treat people is the only true measure of character. Sadly, our own misguided judgments play a large role in how we decide to treat people. So, if we want to become genuinely better human beings, we need to start by letting go of our intense desire to judge others. How do we manage that? We start by looking at why our snap judgments are so incredibly flawed.
Don’t judge others’ choices when you don’t know their options
Have you seen that show, Little Fires Everywhere? Kerry Washington plays Mia, a struggling single mom. Reese Witherspoon portrays a wealthy married mom, Elena. In one scene, Elena says something snide about making good choices, or how the choices we make get us where we are in life. Mia replies, “You didn’t make good choices, you had good choices.”
It’s a powerful line, and so true if you really stop to think about it. I often see people comment on how we shouldn’t help the homeless because their choices made them that way. How we shouldn’t feed the hungry because they wouldn’t be hungry if they made better choices.
We shouldn’t feel sorry for abused women because they choose to stay. It goes on and on. Don’t feel sorry anyone, don’t help anyone, don’t show empathy. After all, they made bad choices. They’re not worthy of our respect and compassion, right?
Wrong. So very, very wrong. That hungry family? They’re choosing between keeping a roof over their heads or food in their bellies. That homeless family? They decided to go with food instead of shelter. That woman? She’s choosing to suffer so her kids can have both. Or maybe not. Maybe they had a whole different combination of equally horrible options. Then again, maybe they had amazing choices and chose to blow them.
The thing is you don’t know which is true. Nor, quite frankly, do you have a right to know. Just like you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, no one owes you an explanation about how they got where they are in life. Isn’t it better, then, to assume the best rather than the worst? To start from a place of sympathy and empathy rather than savage judgement.
Shame, shame, shame
Of course, our judgments aren’t just reserved for the most downtrodden and vulnerable members of society. Like I said earlier, everything is fair game. Mom-shaming, for instance, got so bad a few years ago that there were entire campaigns urging people to knock it off. I admit it, I used to judge moms for letting their kids sleep with them or give the phone while in a restaurant. Then I became a mom and did it too!
I like to think we evolved past mom-shaming. Sadly, though, I think we just got bored and found new “shame games” to play. Today’s shame game? How well people are handling current events and isolation. If you’re upset about staying home for the foreseeable future, you’re selfish and want people to die. Okay with it? You’re supporting tyranny and don’t care about the country.
Either way, you’re judged for your opinions. Hey, on the bright side, it’s election year, you’ll be judged for a whole new set of opinions in a few months!
Take yourself out of the shame game and just stop judging others
While you can’t stop others from judging you, you can stop yourself from doing it to them. Remember even if you can’t control anything else, you can always control your own actions. Isn’t it time to use that control to become a better person?
Stop criticizing the mom in her pajamas at the bus stop. She may struggle to even get out of bed in the morning because of pain or depression. Stop shaming the dad who never shows up to his son’s ballgames. He may be working an extra job just so his son can play sports.
Stop attacking the woman buying a cake with food stamps. It may be the only gift her child gets for his birthday.
In short, stop assuming that everyone has the same choices that you have. Remember that we all lead different lives with different circumstances and options. If you can do that, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a better, less judgmental person.
JoAnn says
I like quotes
Puh-Frank says
I remember some rock n Roll.song “Walk A Mile Iny Shoes”! I always thought that was dumb until.I grew up and found just how hard some folks had it for real. A neighbor lady was buying dog food (on sale) but I knew she had no.dog. I gave her some canned mackerel without comment. Ya never know how your life will.be. While we struggled with our Big Guy’s terminal.illness, a neighbor brought us a leftover box of foodstuffs her church donates to the needy bc she knew we had not been able to go shopping.
Getalife88 says
I judge if I want to this is America don’t like it it leave free speech I free judge any drunk jobless slob I see.
Dawnette says
Excellent excellent article and advice. I think this world would be a much better place if EVERYONE would just take care of THEMSELVES and show more love and compassion to their fellowmen. We ALL need to remember that one day we may find ourselves in the shoes of those we are judging!!! “Judge not that ye be not judged.”
(Matthew 7:1-3)
Remie says
Dr. Kraizer, I like this article. Thank you.
I hope more people will read this and learn to be more tolerant and loving, rather than judgmental. Only God has the right to judge us because He is the Omniscient One and is our Creator.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your message.
Pam Weinstein says
Judging others & myself is my worst character defect. I get so angry at those who don’t seem to care about the environment, hurt animals or spend their time & money on friviolities. It just makes me unhappy . I’m working on it and really appreciate this article. Timing is perfect. (see, I judged that)
Naeema says
Fantastic article,thanks so much,it’s so sad people judging other people,hope this article can teach them a thing or 2💕
Pat Roderique says
This latest problem, the covid one, has brought a lot of things out into the bright light. I have my own opinion and it’s not the same as some of my family and friends and that’s ok. I put that directly at the feet of my awesome instructors and professors in nursing school. I’ll now date myself. I was a nurse for almost 30 years and had to retire early due to physical limitations. But the things I learned in college and in practice are still with me. I don’t know what they teach now, but I was taught that I was there for only one thing: to care for the patient who was ill or injured. Period. There was no judgement, no opinion, just fact. I had to know many, MANY intimate details of my patient’s lives in order to give them the best care I could. But it wasn’t my place to make any judgement about their choices or their feelings or opinions. One example, briefly, was a young patient who wanted to sit in the shower for long periods. The illness was obscure, fairly rare, and many of the staff labeled this patient as drug seeking. Long showers was a treatment? Bull, they said. So I did the research. Yes, there was such a condition and the most effective treatment was long, hot showers. I checked everything out, then I printed everything out and put it in the front of the chart. We never stop learning, and how better to learn than from each other? Everyone should practice as I was taught and as you said. No judgement, no shaming. Choices are not always between ok and better. Sometimes they are between bad and worse. Good article, I enjoyed it.
Tani Nathan Laa says
Very inspiring to me 🙏
Mary mcauliffe says
I wish I could send a copy of th need any lectures. I’ve learned to not speak of my choices or talk about things that are none of her business s shes not judging me. I feel sorry for heris whole fantastic article to my twin who is so judgemental if someone and mostly me are not in her category. a very uncompassionste and a person with no empathy for anyone. I make bad choices sometimes but they are my choices and I dont
Ezekiel Mission says
I realised that we all can make this world a very beautiful place to live in if only we quit our judgements and resort to be loving and understanding and accept others as who they are as individuals. At the end of the day we are not always perfect but have or own respective downfalls and weaknesses. Cheers beautiful people of the world.
Mary mcauliffe says
Wish. My twin could read this. So very judgemental of everyone especially me cause I’m not like her in any way
Laura McDonald says
Think b4 u speak, words can be soothing or a like a knife in the heart.
Colleen Rivest says
When everyone is following the law, abiding by the basic golden rules of morality honesty and civility, not harming others , not trying to coerse evil and deviant lifestyles unto others, not hurting anyone’s children, then there isn’t anything inviting harsh rebuke or judgement🙏❤️
Angie Savage says
I constantly find myself being judged. I’m shamed, I’m bullied, I’m always ending up in relationships with abusive men. I have so much love and compassion for others. I don’t understand why I’m the one people take their anger or unhappiness out on. However, I do like the theme of this. No one has the right to judge anyone. My mothers says that it’s not a compliment when she says “you never judge anyone”. And I’m like, hell yeah it is. One of the best. I don’t know how someone got to where they are at. Anyone can become homeless or be in abusive relationship and not have the strength to leave. Or have several kids with other men. It’s no one’s business. Everyone needs to just focus on themselves. And quit worrying about other people’s choices. Like people who are transgender. That cannot be an easy life to live. But they have the courage to be who they really feel they are. Most people are pretending to be something they aren’t. And I’ve never wanted to be a man, so I don’t know what it feels like to not feel like your born gender. They deserve so much more than mockery and harassment.
None of us are perfect. Once we all start to see that within us. Then maybe the world will change.
Carol says
LikeI said in an earlier Post, if given the choice to be Right or Kind, it’s better to choose to be Kind
Bonnie Intveld says
It’s a wonderful idea Tony to be “judging”. It’s a human flaw for sure. It’s difficult not to make a comment at least in our minds if not out loud. I try hard not to judge because my life has had some bad choices but I had courage enough to rise above it. I am always told that. I wish I knew how to give others that courage. I find people sometimes either don’t want to hear it or can’t hear it for whatever their reasons. My grandmother use to say “our lives are pre written and there’s not much we can do to make changes”. Sometimes I believe her because in my heart I find it difficult to believe I made some of the choice I have made. I also know that through those choices wether good or bad I am where I want to be. At least in this moment. It doesn’t make my family happy but I happy for the most part. The only thing that makes me not happy is my family not being happy for me!