Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish, It’s Self-Care

Saying “no,”  is one of the hardest things to do, especially with the people that we love. We often think that we’re being selfish if we say no to someone. But it’s actually quite the opposite! Setting boundaries is truly an act of self-care. Let’s discuss!

Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish, It’s Self-Care

Before we really dive in, we should probably make sure we’re all on the same page about what it means to set boundaries. It’s not about saying “no” all of the time, or about being selfish.

Boundaries are essentially limits we set for ourselves and others in order to maintain healthy relationships. They can be physical (like saying “no” to intimacy when you’re not in the mood), emotional, or even spiritual. And they’re not just for people in romantic relationships – we all need boundaries in our lives, whether it’s with friends, family, friends who are like family, coworkers, or even strangers.

Boundaries are acts of love for ourselves and others

Setting boundaries can be difficult, though, because we might feel like we’re being rude or hurting someone’s feelings. But the truth is, setting boundaries is an act of love, both for ourselves and for the people around us.

When we set boundaries, we’re telling others how we want to be treated, and we’re showing them that we value ourselves enough to protect our own well-being. If you’re thinking that still sounds selfish, remember the saying “You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself.” The same applies here. You can’t really value others if you don’t value yourself.

Setting boundaries allows us to pour from a full cup

Along the same lines as what I said above, you also can’t care for others if you’re not caring for yourself. A friend shared something that another friend said on Facebook recently that really illustrated this point beautifully. I’ll paraphrase it since I don’t have permission to share the entire quote, and it was on a private profile.

Basically, she said that when you set boundaries, you’re not saying “I don’t want to help you ever.” You’re saying, “As much as I want to help you right now, my ‘cup’ is empty. I have to help myself first. That way, when I can say ‘yes’ I’ll be pouring from a full cup.”

In other words, you’re telling that person that as much as you want to give them what they need, you don’t have it in you right now. Maybe you’re exhausted from dealing with your own issues.  Perhaps you’re over-extended and already promised your time to another friend.

Whatever the reason, your “cup” is bone-dry. You can’t give something that you don’t have, whether it’s time, money, or even just emotional support. So, you need to take care of yourself first. That way, when they truly need you, you can give them your all.

It takes courage to risk disappointing others

One of my favorite quotes about setting boundaries comes from Brené Brown, a researcher, and author who writes a lot about vulnerability and shame. She says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

It takes courage to say “no” and to prioritize your own self-care. I think that’s true for most people, but especially for those with anxiety or “people pleaser” personalities. One of my dearest friends is a people pleaser. She literally cannot say “no” without bursting into tears.

On the very rare occasions that she does manage to set boundaries, she spends days (and probably months or even years) obsessing over them and worrying about whether the person she said “no” to is mad at her. So, for someone like her, it truly does take an enormous amount of bravery.

 

You don’t have to justify your boundaries

As Anne Lamott said, “No is a complete sentence.” It’s not open to negotiation nor does it require further explanation. Let me say that again so that it’s crystal clear. You do not have to explain yourself when you say “no.” Heck, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything, not just your boundaries

The bottom line is that we have the right to say no and to protect our own well-being.

You CAN learn to say “no”

Of course, setting boundaries is easier said than done. It can be especially difficult if you’re someone who has a hard time saying no or if you’re used to putting other people’s needs before your own. But the good news is that setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned and practiced over time.

One way to start is by paying attention to your own needs and feelings. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, it might be a sign that you need to set some boundaries in your life. Think about what you need in order to feel happy and fulfilled, and then communicate those needs to the people around you.

Another strategy is to be clear and direct in your communication. Instead of hinting around or beating around the bush, be straightforward about what you need. For example, if you’re feeling overworked and need a break, you might say something like, “I need to take some time off to recharge my batteries.”

Setting boundaries is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing

It’s also important to remember that setting boundaries isn’t a one-time thing – it’s an ongoing process. As your needs change and evolve, your boundaries might need to change as well. And that’s okay! The important thing is to keep checking in with yourself and making adjustments as needed.

In closing, I want to leave you with one more quote about setting boundaries. Rachel Wolchin said, “Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” In other words,

So, remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s an act of self-care. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and setting boundaries is one way to make sure that happens. Keep practicing, keep checking in with yourself, and remember that you are worth it.