Have you ever thought about the duties we have towards our parents when they get older? I’m not talking about legal obligations (which there really aren’t any). I’m talking about moral and ethical responsibilities. It’s something that I’ve thought about a lot, especially after realizing just how many things our parents sacrifice to make our lives better when we’re young. Below are ten things I truly believe we owe our parents when they reach their “golden” years.
What Do We Owe Our Parents When They Get Older?
Before we get into the duties we have towards our parents when they get older, I want to share a wonderful quote with you from Tia Walker, co-author of the book The Inspired Caregiver. Tia says, “To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors.” I couldn’t agree more. So, think of the below “duties” as ways of embracing that high honor.
1. Treat them with dignity and respect
First and foremost, treat your parents with the dignity and respect that they deserve. Nearly everything that follows below embodies that duty, but it’s so important that it needs to be clearly stated upfront. Every single person on this earth, from the very young to the very old, deserves to be treated with dignity. While respect, on the other hand, is something that should be earned rather than given freely, I think we can all agree that our parents have more than earned it.
2. Don’t treat them like children
In our society, we tend to treat our elderly like children. If you don’t believe me, the next time you go shopping or to a restaurant, pay attention to how clerks and servers talk to toddlers. Then, listen to the tone they use with elders. All too often, you’ll find that it’s the exact same tone. This is called “infantizing” them, and ethics expert Randall Horton wrote a great post on why it’s so demeaning over on the Huffington Post.
3. Listen to them
Your parents spent, at a minimum, 18 years listening to you (although probably way beyond that). They patiently answered your 10,000 “why” questions when you were a toddler. They showed genuine interest in your utterly fascinating story about a bug you saw on the playground in kindergarten. During your teen years, they listened to you complain (and complain and complain) about everything from unfair teachers to unjust curfews.
Now, it’s your turn to listen to them. Yes, even if they tell you the same story over and over. After all, how many times did they have to hear about that playground bug?
4. Make time for them
We get so busy in our adult lives that we often forget to call home, much less visit regularly. It happens, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad son or daughter. Your parents know that you have a “life of your own” now. Shouldn’t that life include them more, though?
For every time they smile and say, “It’s okay, honey” when you forget their birthday or call late on Mother’s Day, they’re secretly crying inside. We owe our parents time. After all, they gave us nearly every moment of theirs for most of our lives.
5. Advocate for them
From speaking up when a doctor brushes your mom’s medical concerns off as “just part of aging” to voting for candidates that protect the elderly’s interest, advocating basically means standing up for your parents. Remember all those times they stood up for you- to unfair teachers, to bullies, to doctors who blew off your symptoms as “just part of growing up.
If your parents are unable (or unwilling because of the generation they grew up in) to stand up for their own rights, do it for them. The older they get, the more they’ll need you to be their advocate. Parents with dementia especially need you to do this, as their voices tend to get “lost” the most.
6. Learn from them
As far as duties to our parents when they get older go, this one is truly a win-win-win situation. Your parents will love spending time with you. They “win” because they get to teach you secret family recipes, share stories from their past, and just pass on their wisdom. You “win” because you’ll have no regrets when they’re gone. You won’t be kicking yourself for not asking mom how to make her famous sauce or asking dad about his time in the war. Your children and every generation that comes after “wins” because they’ll feel more connected to their family history.
7. Teach them
The flip side of learning from them is, of course, teaching them. We have this misconception that the elderly are like old dogs, in that they can’t learn new “tricks.” Everyone jokes about older people and technology.
Rather than turning grandpa’s lack of Skype abilities into family holiday joke fodder, teach him how to use it. He wants to learn. He wants to keep up with your generation and feel a connection to your passions. Just remember, be patient. He was patient when you were learning how to ride a bike…or worse, drive his car!
8. Make sure they have a place to call home
Out of all the duties we’ve discussed, this is really the only one of a financial nature. However, it’s also among the most important. While we’re not legally obligated to house our parents when they get older, we definitely have a moral obligation to make sure they’re not homeless. If that means letting them live with us, so be it. If they choose to live in a retirement community or nursing home, your job isn’t done. A home is more than just a roof over their head. They deserve a place that’s comfortable and that treats them well.
Sadly, depending on your racial and cultural background, you may need to advocate extra hard to make that happen. A 2013 study found that “elderly Hispanics are more likely than their non-Hispanic white peers to reside in nursing homes that are characterized by severe deficiencies in performance, understaffing, and poor care.”
9. Learning and respecting their wishes
One of the hardest duties that we have towards our parents when they get older is the one that comes near the end- respecting their wishes and letting them go when they ask us to. Hopefully, that’s still a long way off. For now, your duty is to sit down and have an honest talk with them to find out what those wishes are. Please don’t put it off. It’s a tough topic, I know, but it is far better to discuss it now than try to make a purely emotional decision later.
10. Don’t hold it over their heads when we help them
Last, but far from least, you have a duty to live up to all the above obligations without holding it over your parents’ heads. Don’t constantly remind them how much you’re sacrificing by letting them live with you. Don’t act smug or superior when you teach them something new.
Most importantly of all, though, don’t treat them like you’re doing these things for them because you feel like you have to. Our parents when they get older aren’t “obligations.” They’re the people who raised us and sacrificed for us. We “owe” them everything. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” Let’s treat them like the treasures and works of art that they are.
Buffy says
That is so true
Bigga says
A good read on how to look after your parents when they get older…. What came to mind when reading , what about parents who let their children brought up in a Foster home and was neglected at childhood…like I was. Do you feel I should still give them the respect which is mentioned in the above article…? Or should I learn to forgive ? I get on well with my parents now ? It’s very difficult for me to carry out these wishes because it will always take me back to my upbringing… Didn’t know my parents until I was thirteen years old….
R H says
I don’t know the reasons why you were in foster care and neglected, but it’s possible they didn’t have the ability to care for you, for one reason or another….not that they were terrible people. The facts are that they didn’t give you the care you deserved and so maybe you don’t ‘owe’ them in the same way a child whose parents did care for them, does. However, how we treat people is indicative of who we are as a person…not who they are. If you get along with them well now, and they are not abusive or manipulative, you won’t regret honoring them and caring for them. In fact, doing so may help you to forgive them, as feelings often follow actions. Honoring others makes us better people. And if you have children watching, you are giving them an example of how to treat you.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for this!
Bonnie says
My dad was my rock throughout my life. He passed away six years ago. He was the parent who would give me hugs and tell me he loved me. I really miss that. My mom was NEVER that person. I was 20 years old and living thousands of miles away before I ever heard “I love you” at the end of a phone call with her. I remember I hung up the phone and bawled!
I don’t hear it anymore, nor do I ever get a hug. She was very verbally abusive when I was growing up. She had finally changed and her and I had become friends. Then she had a terrible fall resulting in a severe head injury. The injury has left her with a slight dementia that has totally changed her personality. Until I adjusted to her condition I made many mistakes that sent her into a fury! I had to learn how to word my sentences so I wouldn’t upset her. Then to make matters worse she would talk to my siblings who lived thousands of miles away and tell them I wasn’t taking care of her. Then they would contact me to chew me out for something that wasn’t true.
I’ve been her caregiver since January 2017. I’ve for years have thought of the Bible when it came to my parents: “Honor thy father and thy mother.” I would drop whatever I was doing to help them whenever they asked. But, it has become very difficult to continue helping mom. She is so bitter and has humiliated me in front of our friends many times. She is no longer the sweet woman she had changed into. I continue to help her, but it’s hard to follow all 10 steps…
Jen says
A very sad story….. but she has been “damaged” and is now captive in an inescapable cage…. a damaged brain.
My daughter had this happen when she was young. You just have to realize that the REAL PERSON is captive and she might even be aware and unable to chance. If she lost a limb, you would not expect her to be whole… try to be kind.
Robin says
My mom sounds like yours! Has been this way most of her life due to her mother. I’m the one who does everything for them snd she says I do nothing and is verbally abusive to me my daughter snd my boyfriend. Have distanced myself recently and am seeing a therapist to get the tools I need to deal with her and keep my sanity!
Carmen says
I knew my dad growing up but he did not provide for our family and was a heroin addict. I hated him growing up. However when he got diagnosed with cirhossis, he was living in a shack behind his brother’s house. Without hesitation I brought him into my home and he spent his last two years of his life with me and my family. He was great with my children and I am glad we had the time we had with him. Everyone’s childhood is different and you will do what feels right for you.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing this. I think you did the right thing 🙂
Carrie says
Beautiful heart and selfless unconditional love!
Patricia says
You’re such a wonderful and kind example of forgiveness and love. Truly lovely reading your story. Thank you! It’s strange how our parents can deal a a rather harsh blow in life as were growing up ..: I guess, they were probably messed up in their childhood too, however, the funniest part is that we still love them so much, no matter what! And I think, breaking the pattern and bringing up our own children with love and correct discipline, defines our inner core and being.
I love my kids and grandkids and could never be mean or harsh toward them. I thank God each day for the blessing of my kids and grandkiddies!
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment.
Angie J. says
I admire your strength, and yes, no matter your circumstances growing up, be the bigger person and love and help them no matter what.
I had a mom who basically neglected me a lot growing up. I wound up graduating from high school early, and getting into college at 17. I managed to be self-driven and successful. I thank her for her sacrifices, as no one is perfect. She just had a stroke in Jan 2020. Bow I’m helping her. And she’s not the easiest person to get along with, but I love her and honor her, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure she’s cared for.
Roberta Connauton says
You don’t live there anymore. I think it is wonderful that you now have a relationship with your parents. Some children that live with their parent
s their whole life never have a relationship with them. Let go of the past and build a great future. God bless all of you.
Tracy says
Similar thoughts, though my situation involved abuse, neglect and finally abandonment. Now that I’m an adult, with a nearly adult child myself, I still find I am struggling with guilt about not having the relationship I “should” with my mother in particular. I would offer two thoughts, 1. You are not the only one, and 2. Be kind to yourself. Peace.
BadassWarriorofLove says
I agree with the comment above. I don’t have children to give an example to. Sometimes my hear has resettlement feelings about the physical and psychological abuse I suffered in my upbringing. I have learned to accept who is my mother and why she was so wrong. She has transformed herself in light and love with the love of my sister who knew how to love her back no matter what. I have suffered myself more for not let of those feelings go. If I had my own children, I bet I would have learned the lesson earlier.
Padmakumar Bhaskaran says
It’s all depends on individual situations. Not easy to follow the philosophy always as saying
Elaine says
Often we are caught up in our own dilemma’s in life when our children are growing up. I know I was! My eldest daughter needed special attention when her sister was born. The age difference was 6 years. (my firstborn needed special education, and lots of attention from me.) Having a new baby, dealing with a child who had learning difficulties and a husband who was out drinking with his buddies all the time was not easy.
There was certainly no place for my own needs and my self-worth was very low.
I was left frustrated and angry. (there were other issues pertaining to my first pregnancy being a stillbirth at fulltime, another woman and a child born to her while I was married to my husband.)
I look back now and know I could have done things differently but I did what I could with what I had at the time. I realise now that I am not perfect and unfortunately my youngest daughter feels she was not always cared for the way SHE needed to be. For this I am eternally sorry!
She no longer speaks to me and has blocked me on all social media. I can’t see how my grandson is growing up. (they live in the UK, I live in South Africa) It breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do about it. My prayer is one day she will understand the difficulties I had and feel more kindly to me. I need her and her children in my life.
I only hope she sees the sacrifices I made and feel more empathy toward me and maybe one day she will welcome me back with open arms.
A sad mother says
Iwhile there are truly parents who should never have children. On the other hand most parents did the most and MORE THAN WAS POSSIBLE. Were we/ they perfect. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.. we all have life’s problems and struggles to deal with, some overwhelming . Life for many of us was an overwhelming struggle which we tried to rise above. We all made mistakes and if we had life over with hindsight and experience we would do something’s differently. However life is not perfect and nor are our children then or now something they often too readily forgot while often judging us harshly in many cases. They have often never had to walk in our shoes.. sadly often we gave too much of ourselves something they never understand or appreciate. I know while far from perfect and while fully admitting my mistakes and also now understanding the reason behind them having as others do far too often some children who have no gratitude or love or respect and having to live with their judgement it’s easy to turn bitter especially when they believe that you have no right to feelings or opinions it’s easy as life goes on while you struggle to understand the children you would have laced your life down for and often gave up everything for who judge you wrongly or without compassion or understanding for you to turn bitter as you age with their often incorrect judgement.
Elizabeth says
Love and forgiveness are thee two most powerful ingredients within the heart. The outcome is peace that will heal all past wounds. Only the Lord Jesus Christ by His Holy Spirit can gently walk you through this miracle…just humbly ask Him. I promise the closer you seek Him, the stronger and deeper you will love and forgive them. God bless!
Linda says
The very best & most wise advise you could ever offer someone! For He is the author & finisher of our faith. He bestows His forgiveness on us which in turn teaches us forgiveness of others. May God continue to bless you & those who take God into their life for the healing they are so diligently seeking!🎚♥️🙏🏼
Cynthia says
They still brought u to this world. They did not have an abortion. Maybe at the time they couldn’t take care of you. So they did the next beat thing for u. Maybe it was the hardest thing they had to do so that u would not suffer or be without. I would be there for my parents no matter what cause they could have had an abortion instead they gave u life.
Omai Vitalis says
Great article. Thanks a lot.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.
Sharon l says
I can understand how that must of felt. But it’s about you. Be there for them. Forgive them for making you feel they didn’t want you. Or what ever you were feeling. Two wrongs will never make it right in the heart. Be love. Love heals your wounds you carried through forgiveness. Then you are letting that go and living in your PRESENT 💝 YOUR GIFT FROM GOD. LOVE HER BECAUSE YOUR ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FORGIVE AND LET GO. LIVING IN THE MOMENT IS ALLOWING YOU TO LOVE. AND BE FREE OF OPEN WOUNDS FROM YOUR PAST. TO LOVE AND GIVE OF YOURSELF IS A BLESSING TO YOU FROM GOD. LIVING IN THE MOMENT FOR ONE ANOTHER WILL ALWAYS BE A BLESSING TO YOUR SELF WORTH. RICHNESS COMES FROM THE HEART.
A Kramden says
Gosh…If only I had the gumption to write down the dozens of ways this article falls short. Parents don’t automatically get the luxury of respect. Don’t they have to earn it like the rest of us? This article wreaks of suburban bias and straight up BS.
Sarah E Meyers says
We all fall short in our lives – to hold back respect because they didn’t earn it by your standards – – like Wow! our Lord, Jesus Christ, has given us the “respect and love” of a Father, even though we are sinful, liars, and have little or no love in our hearts, or time to honor him, or ask for forgiveness. You can’ only demand respect from other humans, without giving it freely, A Kramden
Christine says
I understand what you’re saying. Life is hard, sometimes people stink and those we want to love us the most let us down. I would never minimize your response or the hurt/s behind it. I really do have great empathy and sympathy for you. I off two thoughts: 1) when those important people are less than we needed, or need, it also doesn’t necessarily follow that they automatically deserve to be disrespected, either. We can learn from them and commit to do better, be better, and 2) I hope this won’t upset you, but I’ve never known anyone who has held onto resentments, even hatred (including myself) who found happiness from doing so. You can be bigger, or whatever term is appropriate, I promise you.
A sad Mum says
Well spoken. If you really are a better or more superior person then show it. Otherwise what makes you better in any way? Sadly children grown or otherwise have no idea ( they may believe they do ) of their parent’s struggle in life.
Elizabeth de Vries says
Both of my parents were alcoholics. My dad funny, my mom very abusive. Dad abusive in that he didn’t stop her because he was drunk and timid. I am the younges of 3 by 10 and 7 years. My siblings moved away and didn’t want much to do with them except their money…what they could do for them. I stayed close and I am so glad I did. Got mom into rehab and she got sober. When I was pregnant with my first child I told my dad he could not ever be around my child when he was drinking….he stopped drinking PERIOD. So….we went through family weeks…essentially rehabilitation TOGETHER. My siblings did not and to this day hate our parents. As they aged I did their grocery shopping, took them to doctor appointments, picked up their medications, took their dogs to the vet, etc. We had fun dinners together…fun just because we were together and telling funny stories about our day or things that happened in our lives. My mom kept having strokes so towards the end of her life she couldn’t process. My dad was in a wheel chair. She would go to pee on the toilet and forget where she was and sit there for 40 minutes with no intention of getting off the toilet…same with the floor. She’d sit on the floor thinking she was in a sand box playing but she’d sit there for 30 minutes or so. He’d call me, I’d go over and gently pick her up and tuck her back into bed and lay with her until she fell back to sleep, then I’d sit with dad because I knew he was really sad. BUT…I couldn’t stay because my husband was in our home dying of cancer. LOOOONGISH story shorten: I took care of my parents and am forever and ever grateful and honored. I am certain I learned about this sense of FAMILY growing up in Europe. I don’t see many American’s taking care of their parents or elders which is a shame. They usually do have a lot of wisdom to share. My parents were a very big part of my son’s upbringing. I made sure of it. The sense of family like that gave him a really full, happy childhood. He learned, as well, the value of caring for your parents/elders. Everything this article suggests really is spot on. I found it very important to strike a balance with my parents. It is my job….my place…to respect them and honor them….NEVER to take their independence away nor make them feel “less than” because of what they were losing because their bodies were aging. I made sure they got to stay in their home until they died. NO nursing home for my parents!!! NEVER! They shouldn’t have those! FAMILY TAKES CARE OF FAMILY. Adult children who do not take care of their parents are selfish and lazy. They refuse to work through their dings as to be whole themselves in life AND allow their parents to be human/make mistakes/make amends? That’s a formula for disaster. This is a great article and this NEEDS to be taught in schools. American’s need to learn to respect elders, not throw them away or ignore them. What a solid article about taking care of our parents/elders!! Thank you! I will ALWAYS be deeply grateful I did what I did with my mom and dad.
Joe Dean Cox says
I am 62 years young, my ex-wife and I had 2 miracles from God. My daughter is now 35 with 3 granddaughters my son is 27 he is a police officer and engaged. I have been the target parent for 22+ years of whats called Parental Alienation which has been described as the worst silent child abuse. My ex was a very controlling person and would argue her point in front of our children and the disrespect she shown was showing my daughter she was allowed to speak to me the same way. My son was to young however my ex instilled her hate and lies about me. What I am getting to is my grown kids are estranged along with my granddaughter from being brainwashed. I have had 2 stents put in my heart also severe neck surgery and not once did either of my kids called or came to check on me. I still text my son about 3 times each week to let him know the love I have for all and miss them so much. My daughters has blocked any way possible to contact her so has their mom. I am lucky that my son keeps a door open for us to communicate . I believe every 10 reasons why we should take care of our parents that was told above. What concerns me will I ever have the love and caring when I cant rely on my kids now? I still hold to my Savior and know He will provide!
CAROL says
Please do not give up. Continue contact with them all. Try sending cards that express your feelings for them and regret for not having them in your live. Anyone who would teach the children to deny their father is a very sick individual because a child cannot have the self worth he needs to be happy if they cannot believe they are loved by both parents.
Lynne says
They abandoned me as an infant. Why should I help them now?
Creative Healthy Family says
So sorry.
Nancy Reil Riojas says
The reason you should help them now is because you would not exist if not for them. This is your opportunity to share your hurt feelings and connect with them while they still live in this world. You could create a family atmosphere with them, one that none of you have had together and that could bring peace of mind to all of you. I was never abandoned by my parents, however, I left home at an early age. I maintained a caring relationship with all of my family members, but never returned home. Today, fifty-two years later my 93 year old mother lives with me. I thought I knew her when I was a teenager, but have had to relearn who my Mother truly is. I never realized how intuitive she is, how intelligent she is because in my past life she was a “work horse” always busy cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing for all six of us. She says she never drew a thing in her entire life, but we recently discovered that she can draw. She sketches Disney characters, Marvel comic characters, cartoon characters, as well as famous figures. Every mind is a universe. You and your parents should try to discover your true selves. Sincerely, Nancy Reil Riojas, August 26, 2021.
Deborah Sigmund says
So very true!
Wanda says
Absolutely love this. I feel it is an honor to take care of elderly parents.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you.
James says
My 2nd ex wife got custody of the kids and poisoned their minds so bad against me the woman that I married that I just quit having anything to do with them for years. Now that they are not under her control anymore and have families of their own, they are trying to make up for it to both of us now. For personal reasons, I and my third wife divorced, but we are still good friends and I am her caregiver. Her kids have nothing to do with her because she had the nerve to divorce their dad and get out of an abusive marriage, even though they were already grown, even when she ended up in the hospital for sepsis and it was touch and go, her one daughter only stopped at the hospital because she was passing through town going to six flags, and the daughter who has say over medical, thought her work reputation was more important than her mom’s life, both daughter’s live 3 hrs away, but were mad because she prefered to stay here than move where they live, because she told them that this was home, not there. That daughter and her husband are banned from here, because he threatened both of us and her daughter went right along with it. She is on dialysis now, and we do the home hemo, and I am her caregiver, which her bunch don’t like because she told them that she gets better care from me than she ever would there, so even if they seen this article, as long as she’s here, it will be a no go. But at least my kids treat her like a mom now.
Creative Healthy Family says
What a story! Thank you for sharing.
Faye Anderson says
This is very good info! I am 73 years old and took care of my mom and my husband before their deaths. My son just sold his home and moved in with me because personal reasons for both of us. Mine are financial reasons and I have some health issues. It’s sad how many people I know that do not want to help their parents, in any way. Being a Caregiver is the most rewarding thing you can do, especially for a parent. Thank you for sharing!
Creative Healthy Family says
I agree. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Diona Sarceno Boni says
Thank you for coming out with this. Our young need guidance and this should be able to help them as they grow old with their aging parents.
Creative Healthy Family says
Glad to know I was able to help.
Emerita Bernados says
At least I have done that mostly to my parents. I took good care of them at their old age , but to listen to my father every now and then his story being a soldier during the 2nd world war, I get bored and walked away after many times. Too
bad It’s only now that I know, I can’t make up anymore. One thing I regret , is ; had I have the financial means to support their medical needs, maybe their lives should have prolonged some years. For me
taking care of them and seeing, witnessing thier second childhood was my inspiration, but because of lack of finances of my own, every thing went off earlier than what it should have happend.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thanks for sharing your story.
Susan says
Taking care of my parents for the last 10 years of their life was a f gift. Learned so much. Enjoyed the time I got to spend with them, the conversations the love they shared. It was a true blessing.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing.
Lynda says
Awesome stories and shares. I am devastated that my mom,has to be in a home,now,because her,stroke gave her dementia. I’m in Florida and she in Michigan and I call regularly but she acts like she barely knows me and we were always so close. I feel awful that I can’t share those memorable times with her any more. Please people who have their parents, still able to share with you, do it!!! Time is short and before you know it, it is gone!!!
Creative Healthy Family says
Agree. That you for your comment.
Betty Inebnit says
I am there I did enjoy the article thank you
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you.
Shelley says
My mother and I are the best of friends and we have a great two way communication, for the most part. I say “for the most part” because my mother does not say much when it comes to her feelings. Thankfully, she is of sound mind, very healthy, and extremely independent. However, things will likely change and when that time arises, I have no idea how to deal with it. Any suggestions? When we have to have “that discussion”I do not want to come across as belittling, demeaning, insensitive etc. or make her feel that she is no longer empowered to make her own decisions. When I bought my house, she came with me and she liked it as she will have her own domain. I do not want to put my mother in a nursing home, unless absolutely necessary. If it were not for my mother, I would not be the person that I am today. She gave me everything she had, and then some. Looking after, and caring for her, will be the least that I can do for her.
Creative Healthy Family says
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Martha says
I am doing this now for my Mom and Dad, 87 and 91 years old. I am 65 years old and took an early retirement a year ago this month to care for them so that they can stay together in their own home. They have been married for 66 years. It’s a lot of work but I have no guilt of not doing the right thing for them. I have no siblings but my daughter helps when I need her. I have a wonderful CNA that stays with them every night so that I can have a break and get a good nights rest without worry. Both my parents have dementia and sometimes my Dad tries to “go to work” during the night. I will continue taking care of my Mom and Dad until their time has come to leave this earth. I will say this, I am happy that they do not realize and understand what is going on today in this crazy, sick world of ours. God bless them both.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing your story.
Cyndi says
I took early retirement as well to take care of my mom. My dad passed when I was 41 and died quickly. My mom had dementia. Taking care of her was tiring because I missed a lot of sleep. Her schedule was crazy. She was up at night and didn’t need much sllep in on of her stages. We made a scrap book of her cards and some pictures. That was fun. I cooked for her and she loved that. We looked at old pictures. She would remind me at the beginning of a new season it was time for new clothes and shoes
. My father had always taken really good care of her and I had continued supporting that getting her hair and nails done. Before retiring she just had standing appointments and I took care of paying for them.
One thing I had going for me is that my mom was so kind and nice. She continued that until she passed. When we finally needed full care and I could not do it alone she went to a care center. I went every day to comb her hair and visit. In the end she did not talk. The nurses loved my tiny mommy. Who maybe would say thank-you or please. I loved her and it was my honor to care for her.
Kashyap Kantawala says
You are great! I envy you, I am one of those unlucky parent, God bless all
Aubrey Masondo says
Powerful reminder
Pam says
Great blog post Ursula. I came across your post when a friend shared it on Facebook. We couldn’t agree more with your thoughts on this topic. I am about to launch my business http://www.mylifecapsule.com which is designed to bring families together. We’ve just published a blog post that you might like as it examines areas of the world where Elders are revered. I’m from Australia and we could learn a lot from some of these countries.
https://mylifecapsule.com.au/the-cultures-where-elders-are-revered/
Thanks again for sharing this post.
Jennifer says
What an intriguing guilt trip. “Never”, “Duties”, uhm, hate to break it to you but some of us were born to parents who’s behavior towards us was or is continuously egregious and bordering on criminal. We left them in their own twisted little world because we deserve safety and our own well being. Your need to validate your own parental idolatry is not our problem.
Laurie Peterson says
Amen
Dawn says
Thank you. I was wondering what planet she was from, you explained it better. My mother never protected us, never said she was sorry for anything and now wants all this kindness and quiet. Great, pay for it.
April Mirabella says
This was a wonderful article that sadly, had to be written. I’d like to think that to respect and care for your parents goes without saying but….it does not. I started caring for my Grandmothers second husband (they both married, eachother in their 70’s after my grandfather and his wife died within months of eachother. They were all friends in high school in California) about 5 years ago, he had Alzheimer’s. I would stay 3 nights a week, every week and while I got paid, I would have done it for free. It gave my then 94 year old Grandmother a break and it helped me. I learned so much in the 3 years caring for him. He was always such a nice, kind, thoughtful, accepting man. He showed nothing but love for us, my grandmothers children and great grandchildren and so on and so forth, that it was actually a way I could give back to a man that gave my Grandmother such happiness after she lost my grandfather, who was of course the love of her life. My Grandparents were married 52 years when he passed from a brain tumor after being given a year to live, he died in 3 months. Her second husband died at 97 in hospice. I’ve digressed. My Grandparents were born in the 1920’s and are what I call “the last of the greats”, as in their personalities, there manners, morals, character and heroism is without parallel and hard to come by in the generations that followed mine. (I was born in 1978) . I say that to say my Grandmother, now 97 with mild dementia (but she doesn’t know that and is very stubborn) and I are very close and I absolutely love to spend time with her and help her! She’s so neat! Most people are that are from her generation! I love hearing her stories, even if I am hearing it for the 7th time. Lol. How lucky am I? I care for her often and sometimes she pays me but she doesn’t have to. I’m there because she deserves that and I want to be. So many of my cousins and Aunts and Uncles forget just how much my Grandmother has done for each and everyone of us! They are so absent it has made us primary care givers resentful and I won’t go around them but that’s just me. I think it’s disgusting. Of course people aren’t always going to have had happy, good or non abusive parents and that is understandable to not be present but my Grandparents were nothing like that . not even close! My husband passed away 7 months ago at 37 yrs. old. Him and my Grandmother were crazy about eachother and I’m so glad they got to know one another. I’ll keep those memories forever! After he passed I stayed with my Grandmother, who was still getting around fairly well minus being able to drive , for 4 months. I didn’t want to be home alone until I found a roommate to move in with me. We had so much to learn from eachother. Both of us, widowed, huge age difference but exactly the same in so many ways. I’ve always been partial to old people and can’t stress enough how good of an experience being around them has been for me. I highly recommend thinking about their future and what that looks like. Make a plan! Life is so short and fragile, make everyday count.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for your comment.
Sharon Clendaniel says
My mother lived with me for twelve years. She had a catheter and a feeding tube and she was confused and bedridden for the last 2-3 years . My brother who lives next door did not come over to help with her care as he said he could not stand to see her that way. Finances were tight and I couldn’t afford to pay for assistance. As a result, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted by the time she passed. Today, (five years later,) I can look back on those years and feel some satisfaction in knowing that I did the right thing in caring for Mom, but it was very hard and it has taken me years to recover. I still don’t sleep well at night, expecting to hear her call out to me as she did constantly when she was ill. For these reasons, I do not pass on articles like this one to my children. I do not want to go to a nursing home when I get older, but I would much rather do that than put my children through the experiences I had while trying to meet Mom’s needs. I do not want to preach or “guilt” them into anything that would cause them harm. I chose my life and I want them to live their’s. I know that when you are responsible for someone else 24/7, it is like trying to be two people and that is impossible to do for long, no matter how much you love and respect that other person.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
JO29 says
In a perfect world. This person has never had to Care give for parent/s. Seems this is based on parents with no health problems. Someone who has never dealt with Dementia and what comes with it. And parents wishes, there comes a time when its not what they want its what they need. Then there is where they traveled and did what they wanted. But when they can no longer do for themselves expects their kids (actually it ends up one child) to give up a job and family to care for them.
You have Seniors caring for Seniors. Seniors suffering from their own health problems. You have stubborn parents that want it all their way. Like I said in a perfect world.
jean oke says
Seems to me this should apply to any elders.
Kathleen DiMaggio says
My parents moved in with us 3 years ago because my Dad’s Dementia was too much for Mom to handle and we were afraid for her safety . We would never think of them in a place other than with us . Every word I just read rang so very true , Although it changes what you anticipated your life and retirement to be you will not regret the decision to take care of your parents . It is the best decision I have ever made . Of course it is hard financially but the benefits of having your family together actually does extend their lives and makes it better . The good things are too many to mention .i know when It is their time to go , I will have so many more memories and insights and knowledge of them I would never have known and when they are gone I will have no regrets and smile with all my memories ❤️
Smb says
I agree about respect and dignity for parents. Be patient, understanding to them. Keep in touch with them so they know you care.
IMO, if you are able to care for them adequately, that’s great. If not, find them the care they need, whether it be a professional caregiver at home, or Assisted living.
For some people, having an elderly parent live with them is very difficult. It might start out okay. But the parent declines. For ex. a couple has three children and an elderly parent. At first, everything is fine. But the parent, for instance, gets dementia and needs a lot of attention. The spouse and children are neglected because of the needs of the elderly parent. The elder gets very irritatable because of his or her dementia. The couple tries to be understanding, but they can only take so much. It’s affecting their marriage and children.
Please, if you are married and have children and your parent wants to move in, think about the difficulty down the road. Of course, Not everyone gets dementia. But you don’t know what’s going to happen. Find them an Independent living community, or Assisted Living place. There they can have people to socialize with and receive the care they need.
Steve says
This is so true if in fact your parents didn’t abandon you or abuse you. Not every childhood has happy memories in afraid 😭
Rob says
My dad abandoned me when I asked for testing . He’s 90 and lives alone and still drives. He wouldnt allow us to attend the exam like the Dr requested. No body at the drs office will return calls because he took me off his medical POA. He might as well have passed because he doesn’t exist in our lices anymore. If he does its always an argument .. Its not worth being around any more. I left paradise in Florida for this. I should have never left my career for this. I never thought I would come to this point in life. Dementia is evil here in our home. I m glad you all can tolerate that. I found my weakness. Its ugly.
Dawn says
Same thing happened to me. Left a paid for home in Tennessee to come back here, at her request. Now I can’t do anything right and everything is her way. Including not simply changing a tv station while I’m in the house, which causes I fight. It’s like she wants one. ( I think I’m like my late Dad and she knows how work the fight)
She can pay for her help. I’m done. The cost for me to do it is to high and she is too mean.
courtney says
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for reading my post 🙂
Arthur Benjamin says
Thanks for the gentle reminder. I am doing pretty darn well based on your article but always could do more; will make a trip today to see mom again who is 97.5 years old and hug her again from us both. Did it yesterday, but it’s worth the 2 hour drive again today as I have an opening this afternoon between meetings. 😉
Creative Healthy Family says
Happy to know you enjoyed my post and want to see your mom more often. 97.5 years old wow!
Brigit says
I appreciate your comments and thoughts towards parents that have been there and supported their children throughout their young lives. It is therefore an easier decision to reciprocate and do your bit. Sadly though there are many of us that haven’t experienced this. It has taken me to the age of 52 to start to be able to say ‘it’s not my fault’ and ‘I refuse to feel guilty’ now that they are both leaning very heavily on me. I do what I can to do the right thing ethically but know that for my own sanity the best way forward would be to cut all ties.
It is very easy for those that have a mainly good and positive relationship with their parents to say ‘you must forgive them or else you will regret it when it’s too late.’ Sadly for many of us that will never be the case and we should not be expected to ‘forgive.’ Our parents simply don’t deserve it. To many this will sound harsh but to those that have had similar experiences to me you will totally understand. The only person you need to forgive is yourself – you have done nothing wrong x
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Christine says
I salute all of you who suffered abuse at the hand of parents or caregivers. I only know I don’t know the extent of that pain. If I sounded insensitive or arrogant in an earlier comment, I’m truly sorry. I know my pain, and it hurts because it’s mine. I do not suppose to completely understand the pain of another.
Em says
For a frightening number of people it’s just not that cut and dried. Unfortunately, there’s no requirements to breeding, and there are a lot of sad examples out there, of which I am one. So many nasty memories, years of drug/alcohol abuse trying to cope, the fear, the yelling, the bruises and broken bones and lies and manipulation and other things too embarrassing to share, the failed relationships and attempted suicides and struggles to find some semblance of a normalcy never given or experienced, these are things that can be overcome, can be forgiven for ourselves so we can come to terms and move on, but they cannot be revisited, our wounds cannot be ripped open, by allowing ourselves to be put into situations where these sorts of things can happen again, even on a limited basis. Some of us just can’t handle it. As adults, we do the best we can and make the most ethical decisions we can, but our sense of self preservation comes before our ability to take care of the monsters under our beds, in our closets, and wearing the skin of our parents no matter how old or frail they become. We were never given a fair shake in life, and no one ever promised it would be easy, but starting from the depths of hell and trying to make our way in life with even a shred of the dignity and consideration we were never given growing up is a day-to-day struggle, sometimes an hourly one. Most of us will never be quite strong enough to overcome our past to the point of taking care of it and showing enough compassion to give dignity and respect to the root of nearly every problem and issue we have. It takes a lifetime to heal, and we don’t have the time or inclination to bow to guilt trips because we are way too busy just trying to survive life’s regular ups and downs to even consider including those who contributed to our inability to cope with them.
Sorry, it’s a hard pass for me.
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you so much for your comment.
Clare says
Totally with you. How eloquently put. Thank you 👏👏
Clare says
Tell that to Fred and Rose West’s kids.
Ignorant, preachy, innacurate and damaging to survivors of childhood abuse.
william stephens says
My parents started beating me at 8 months, my mother snapped my leg at 18 months, my father beat me until I turned 15, he stopped at 15 because I was finally big enough to fight back.
My mother is a six bottle of wine a day alcoholic, and she has been for almost 50 years.
My parents have been cruel all my life, I never did anything right, and they denied my sexual abuse at hands of relatives.
I walked away 5 years ago at 53, I am finally happy, they are dead to me.
I owe them nothing.
Creative Healthy Family says
So sorry to hear that. I hope you are better now. Thank you for sharing.
Linda Taylor says
Before I lost my Mum she said she was proud of all of us children for the care we were taking of her. I replied it was pay back time.
heui Kim says
Thanks a lot, I learned a lot
Ted says
I don’t know what to think about all of this. I may be facing a situation where I have to choose between my best friend in the whole world and my father. They are both around the same age, my friend being five years younger. I guess most people have an atypical experience with their parents. My mother was a covert narcissist. You talk of parents who made all the sacrifices for their children, with nothing but love and good intentions. And what exactly allows you to arrive at this conclusion? Maybe YOU had parents like this. Many of us did not. And, besides that, it was our parents who made the choice to have children. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE! And with choices come responsibilities. We had no say in the matter and if your life has felt like a burden throughout, maybe you don’t feel so grateful. Nevertheless, our parents had us and so sacrificing IS their responsibility. It’s what decent parents do. I’m not so sure that parents deserve a reward for being responsible. And I also feel like I was the one who sacrificed for my mother. I sacrificed a healthy adolescence with fun and friends and a relatively normal outlook. And she was the biggest taker, who never said thank you, always wanted more. I gave up my young years to be her playmate and her therapist. She was diagnosed with MS when she 48 years old and not longer afterwards, took to her bed and became completely dependent on others, mostly my father and myself. She passed away two years ago and though I miss her sometimes, I did not shed a tear. Because there was no real love bond there. And you talk about treating others with respect? Woah! You don’t even want to know! It works both ways. And my father was a mute presence during my formative years and through my 20s. We get along better now and I am grateful for that. But it is my best friend who has shown me unconditional love and support and guidance for the past 15 years. It is my best friend who bought me my first pet (an adorable West Highland Terrier!). It is my best friend who breaks my heart. It is my best friend who brought me out of my 50+ years of emotional shell shock. He is the one who makes me feel like a human being. He is the one I thank God for every night when I say my prayers. And all that aside, my friend has zero family. Parents dead, no siblings, no children, nobody except me and one other friend, who has some health issues of his own. And you tell us adult children not to throw it up in our parents’ faces that we are helping them. Wow. You seem to be wanting to shame some of us for not doing what YOU think adult children should do! You know NOTHING of the facts and I think it is highly irresponsible. not to mention arrogant, for you to presume to know what is called for in every situation. I think maybe you have firmed up my resolve to follow my heart. Thank you.
Dawn says
Stay with your friend, that’s your real family. I feel that you’ll regret any other decision. Be happy and be loved. You are so blessed to have that.