Kids need their fathers just as much as they need their moms. So, please, if you’re an absent dad, get it together. Show up and be there for your children, even if you’re not living there with them. If you don’t, I promise you’ll regret it one day.
Dear Absent Dad: Get it Together & Show Up for Your Kids Before It’s Too Late
I’ve talked in the past about how important fathers are, and how dads don’t babysit kids, they raise them. I’ve also talked about how a woman’s first love is her dad, how he’s the man that sets all of her expectations for every other man in her life. I don’t think I need to reiterate just how much dads matter in the lives of their kids, right?
In those discussions, though, I was mostly speaking to dads who were there for their kids, both physically AND in heart & soul. Today, I want to speak directly to the “absent dads” out there. That includes both the 20% of dads who don’t live with their kids AND the fathers who do live in the same house but are never really there for their kids emotionally (which may be even worse than being totally absent).
I have just one thing to say to you: get your act together (and “act” isn’t the word I would have used if I wasn’t trying to be family-friendly). Show up for your kids. Have the courage to raise them, to be a DAD.
Anyone can make a baby. It takes courage to be a father.
As President Obama said during a 2008 Father’s Day speech, “What makes you a man is not the ability to have a child- any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.”
I know of too many men who think that their quick contribution at the very beginning of their child’s life is what makes them a dad. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not downplaying or diminishing that contribution. It’s pretty darn vital to the whole continuity of our species, after all! However, that contribution merely makes you a biological parent. It takes a whole lot more than that single moment to make you a real father.
If you want to be a real father, you need to BE THERE for your kids. That has absolutely nothing to do with living under the same roof, either. It’s about being there emotionally, not physically. It’s about supporting them with your whole heart and not just your checkbook. It’s about being a part of their lives, even if you’re living a life apart from them.
Oh, and if you’re about to say, “Well, I can’t be there because…” let me stop you right there. There’s no end to that sentence that justifies dropping out of your kids’ lives. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch should stop you from trying to show up for them, period.
Stop making excuses for why you’re not in your kids’ lives
I have a lot of friends who grew up with an absent dad, and they’ve heard all of the excuses in the book. “I live too far away and can’t afford to come to see you right now,” “Sorry, I’ve been really busy with work,” and my personal favorite, “I’m a great dad. That’s your mom talking! She poisoned you against me!”
Look, as Matt Mogotlane said in the quote above, your absence is the biggest poison of all. Yes, there are moms who trash-talk their kids’ dads, and shame on them for doing it. No child should ever hear one parent say bad things about the other. But kids are perfectly capable of making up their own minds. If you make an effort to be a part of their lives, they’ll be able to see through any ‘trash talk.”
As for the other excuses, you don’t need money to be there for your kids. If you live too far away to visit regularly, let me clue you in on a little secret: we have this amazing technological advance called a telephone. Maybe you’ve heard of it. You dial a number and speak into it, then the person on the other end can hear and speak back to you. Crazy, right?
Sarcasm aside, there are so many ways to be a part of your child’s life without spending a single dime. If you live far away, phone calls, video calls, even emails are all very cheap. If you live nearby, just spending time with you is enough. You don’t have to buy your kids’ love; they’re more than willing to give it to you for free.
If you want your kids to remember you tomorrow, don’t be an absent dad today
I want to end this with one of my favorite quotes on this topic, by Barbara Johnson. She said, “To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” If you’re an absent dad today, you can’t expect to be in your kids’ memories tomorrow, plain and simple. You have to act now, though. Start building memories with them today, this very moment.
See, at some point, your kids will stop looking for you. They’ll stop waiting around for you to be their dad. They’ll seal up the hole that your absence left in their heart and move on. When that happens, it’s too late.
Oh, they may forgive you. They may make a small place for you in their lives, maybe even grow fond of you again, but they will never let you all the way in. They’ll never risk having their hearts broken by you again, and they will never look at you the way they did the day before you walked away.
So, I say again, absent dad: get your act together. Be a REAL father, before your kids let you go. Before you’re left with nothing but regret. Before it’s too late.
Dauphne Mercer says
I wish people could see both sides of this as i do know a couple of fathers who would love to be in their childrens lives but the mothers have taken the kids away and have lied to the courts about the fathers. some and i won’t say that its many but some women have not had court papers delivered until after a decision has been made with the courts and it affects all involved. Some fathers dont do anything because with the lies to the courts they are protecting the child from watching a mother being taken to jail for all the falsehoods. So dont just think that fathers stay away because they feel that the mother is telling lies or not. There are many reasons and people should know this. As a grandmother i miss some of my grandkids that i am not allowed to see because mom said so. it hurts all of us
Krafty says
Very true- this article did specifically mention that- this particular article was about the ones that are absent and there’s no mom trying to keep the kids away:
Richard H says
Well said.
Sabrina says
Oh Please! That’s just another excuse for not being a part of your grandchildrens lives. Court papers don’t take away the right for you to reach out and have a relationship with your grandchild. YOU can make an effort to be part of their lives even if their father doesn’t.
A single mom says
Raise a better son and you won’t have to miss your grandkids
Tony says
Raise a better daughter and she won’t be making cruel statements to an innocent grandmother.
Karma is a bitch and a bitch is female…just sayin’
E. Paige says
Theirs no excuse. Some men have been made to think it’s okay to do nothing, however, and blame other people for their lack of action. I would knock on the devil’s door to be with my kids if that’s what I had to do.
Poppy says
Father of my kids doesn’t not want to support his kids financially, emotionally and bieng there physically just because we broke up, everytime when I call and ask for money, he would say I wont and I dont want to! He want to make our break up a nasty one, and am not giving him that satisfaction. He would hear that our kids are sick, and will would call to ask me nonsense about those kids which he is not there for them, he punishes our kids because of me, how sick is that! Am not unable to take a well care of my kids! I am much capable of making sure that they well taken care of, he can keep his money, why cant he just be there for his kids??
Chris says
Stop portraying it that all fathers absent in a child’s life are just not wanting to be there or are pos’s. TAKE IT FROM A FATHER WHO FOR THE LAST 9 FKN YEARS OF HIS SONS LIFE HAS TRIED EVERYTHING TO BE IN HIS SONS LIFE. Little back story my son is 9 his mother refuses and I’ll bold face this REFUSES TO COMPLY WITH COURT ORDERS as we live in two separate states rules were I call her set a time and drive there to spend time with him and bring him back to my state split 50/50 yea no that’s not how it’s working out courts refuse to do sht about it and allow it to continue while his mother refuses to answer my texts my phone calls to allow me to spend time and get to know MY SON!!!! 9yrs of his life now been going thru this hell 9 fkn years. So to the author of this completely one sided article STOP PORTRAYING ALL FATHERS AS IF THEY DONT CARE AND WONT STEP UP CAUSE ITS ABSOLUTE BS
Emy Lee says
It’s really sad that you had to go through this but this article is about the kind of dad who lives his life and doesn’t give a damn about how his absence affects his child emotionally. This is a clear reminder that their child won’t always be longing for them to come and spend time with them because at some point, children grow up and get tired of suffering from their absence. And I truly hope that the shitty dads out there read this and get the karma they deserve for making a child in the first place and forgetting about their lifelong responsibility.
Janene Mansell says
Exactly. It’s a different situation. Not all father’s are this but many are. It is just to help us mom’s when we do have our kids father’s like this.
Michelle says
Unfortunately in my experience there are parents who vilify the other parent to the point of brainwashing children to hate the “other” parent. It happens to good parents more often than most people would believe. It is a psychological manipulation inflicted on a child or children for a persons own selfish gain. Sadly many children are used by parents in their divorce wars and the effects on a child being coerced to choose a side is the most under valued type of child abuse in existence. Unless actual abuse is occurring, it is actually child abuse to withhold a child from a loving parent. Consequently the pain that is inflicted on the target parent of the loss of their connection with their child and then the knowledge of the psychological damage that is being inflicted on them is incredibly painful. Often parents are not even aware of what’s happening to them or their children and it can take years to identify, and consequently deal with in an effective manner. Love is always the answer. Unfortunately for some parents when a child is withheld without good reason the pain is too much, they simply can’t keep going sometimes after years of trying and must retreat for their own survival, these are the ones they call absent. For many parents the pain is too much to bare and they take their own lives. Young children can be easily manipulated and moulded. It is sad to think that a parent would use this tool to hurt their ex partner but some do. And for the children involved the damage is insurmountable. They loose an important part of themselves and all kinds of life problems can occur. Parental Alienation is real and once you understand it, I bet you may even know someone it has happened to. People need to be aware of this side of the coin when it comes to child abuse. Our children depend on it.
Durodola Adedayo says
My former wife was using the children as weapon to fight me. She committed adultery and to hide her shame she packed out while she had been drumming it in their ears before then that whenever she is leaving they were going with her. They will come to ask me then as,kids saying that Daddy is it true that when mummy is going that we will go with her. She had our third child for someone she couldnt disclose due to her promiscuity. Whereas she, was always accusing me of having extra marital affairs that was not true. She went away with them for 10years. Along the line I filed for divorce due to her coming to take them forcefully against their wish and later lying against me through a lawyer that I came to her church to beat up the people in her church which was a cooked up lie. The divorce proceedings took over 5years and alo g the line we reconciled because I allowed her so that I can assist the children with their admission into university. She started her bad behavior immediately after and then refused to come with me to my newly completed house. She flagrantlytook my son to a private university which I objected to and refused to bear the responsibility. I only told the boy i can buy his books and stationery but not tuitions. The story did not apply to my daughter who did as I directed her and she lived wth me throughout her secondary and university and eventually passed out with a First Class degree in her course.
Gail Wadley says
Sadly it is often NOT a Fathers choice to be “absent”
Some Dads have done all they could to keep in touch with their children.
By posting comments and remarks you are only trying to alienate. This cannot be denied.
Most men are not vindictive and suffer silently without trying to bring down the Mother.
Ash says
Whatever the case, whether it’s the lousy dad or vindictive mum, it’s the child(ren) that suffers sadly. I’m separated from my son’s father and he only makes time when it suits him (even though I go out of my way to include him) and never during feeding time because it’s too hard etc. he has no caring or even financial responsibility towards our son because he can’t be bothered and it has just all fallen on me. Lucky I have all his excuses in text messages. Then I have an uncle who has not seen his daughter since she was 2 (she’s 26 now) because his ex wife was vindictive and only wanted child support and did everything she could to make it difficult for my uncle to spend time with his daughter. There are dad’s who are absent by choice or those who have no choice. There are mother’s who go out of their way to include dads in their children’s lives but there are also mother’s who will do anything to tarnish a dad’s memory. So yes there are two sides to every coin. This article though is focusing only on the dads who are absent by choice and can’t be bothered to be a part of their children lives and it’s very well articulated on the consequences down the track. Very well written!
Amanda says
My children father moved out to look after his Mother. He didn’t see, or communicate in any way for over 5 months. The 5 year old believed he had died. When I kept telling him this he just laughed.
daila ova says
What about men who have illigitimate children and are still living with their own families. What will happen to those children
Amber says
This sounds like a bunch of enabling and cop out excuses for deadbeats and a huge issue used by domestic abusers to gain access to their victims by using the victim card.
There are mental health professionals and resources to address matters of parental alienation. And if a parent has experience with attemlting or contemplating suicide, children do not need exposed to that personal warfare.
April Grizzard says
As a child of a.n absent father its almost like you were their. I remember as a little girl waiting by the door for my “father ” to come . He never did over and over this happened. Could my mom of done more to help me through this trauma yes, but he abandoned her too. My dad literally left to get cigarettes and never came back to us. I always look for the worst in men and I expect them to leave me to the point I drive them away. I will never be in a healthy relationship. Fathers show up bc you determine how your daughters will be loved and how they look for love in the most toxic way
Pat says
I’ve just spent two years in court with my ex
I took him to court because he kept cancelling his time with our daughter for social activities .
Now by court order he has her alternate weekends and 50/50 in school holidays .
Still insists I’m turning her against him though! He’s free to contact her any time she’s with me , and if we head to the town he lives for any reason , she always says can I say hi to dad which I always say sure. Send a text and we head to his place so she can say a quick hello. however she is not allowed any contact with me when she is with him. She has told me she asked to call mummy and he says no and sends her to her room .
He also calls me names and swears to her so I hear it all when she gets back . I simply say
That’s not kind , does mummy call daddy names and she looks shocked
No
Well then
And then we move on
Heather Purcell says
My son hasn’t seen his lad for 17 weeks, due to his ex partner after they separated, she made arrangements with authorities to have visits at day centres, she was late twice, never turned up on another arranged date , said she forgot ? ( Her arrangement)
Even though my son turned up everytime early, got excellent reports from the staff there how he interacts with his son, then another center was arranged closer to home, reports were taken by authorities and her wishes ,all paperwork went through . he had waited 17 weeks for this? visit was due 8th June and she cancelled it on the 7th June, saying she doesn’t think it is in the boys best interest to see his father, and she doesn’t feel safe leaving my grandson with the supervision centre? that she arranged ?.
No previous history of violence or abuse from my son.
No court order in placement!
Everything she has applied and instructed*her rules etc* my son has obliged …
She is controlling , cold hearted and definitely has “not* got anyone’s best interests at heart but her own.
Ebuku says
As a single mother who has a child with a man who seems to not care and refuses to be there for our daughter, I appreciated this article. My daughter at the age of four voiced her opinion on how she felt around her father because he is rarely around and when he is he isn’t really around. Four years later, he has yet to make a move on his part to be a part of her life and shows her every day that her feelings and what she has observed at even a very young age, is correct. Too much time is going to pass by, if it hasn’t already. I want nothing more for my child to have both parents in her life. However, I nor my child can force anyone to be a part of it. I don’t wish it on anybody but he may end up regretful for the rest of his life if he doesn’t get it together soon. He is making an even bigger gap the more he waits
Caroll-Ann says
My granddaughters father sees her according to the visitation on the court order, but he never spends time alone with her, he always have somebody with him either the fiancee or the grandmother or his sisters. Most of the other times he will pick her up and drop her off at one of them and leave…he will never even go and sit in the spur and enjoy time alone with her. my daughter(her mother) does not know what to do with it. he just say that the little one must have a bond with the extended family, but he does not realise that he and she does not have a bond. even when they are at his house he does not do anything with her the fiance do everything.
Joana Hagan says
Thank you for this message a reminder to fathers that being there for their children is a need for the kids not a want. No matter how many excuses you make by blaming mother or anyone for your absence will hold. Fathers must be responsible for their offspring at all times even if they feel they have problems with mothers or whoever or whatever. Fathers have a big role to play in their childrens lives and must not shirk their responsibilities for any reason under the sun with lame excuses. Some fathers are such a big problem when they dont do the rightful and needful. This goes a long way to affects their children. God is watching! I rest my case.
Colin Cheesman says
So who wrote this utter tripe? I don’t see a name. I had six court orders trying to give me reasonable access to be in my daughters life. I like many fathers was swimming against the current and in spite of every resource I could muster I couldn’t beat the flood of bigotry levelled against me by the resident mother. I haven’t seen my daughter in years but she knows I’m there for her when she’s ready. Meanwhile you can’t get back those lost hours, days, weeks and years when you could have been there to nurture, help, advise and support your child in their struggle to live. And the real loser is the child. As a psychologist parental alienation is real and manifest problem in todays society which the author completely misses.
Sue hamm says
Always “the dad”!!! I know moms that are absent and don’t give a flip about their own kids! I know a lot of moms that have kept the kids from their dad just for spite. It’s all about the kids and as adult parents you should do what’s right for the child. God bless the absent parents that have tried to be a part of their child life.
Jo says
I truly understand each and everyone’s comments but what about the father who is incarcerated! And wants a relationship with his children but the mothers picks and chooses when she wants her children to speak with their father and when she doesn’t. Yes weather you are married or not the families in both sides should love and respect both sides. We live in such a broken world and for some reason not many respect the “right and wrong” doings. My grandkids were ripped from me and my husband it’s been four months my grandkids were brought up in my home from birth!! They are so young to understand. Your not hurting yourself they are the victims. This is all predicated on “ materials things and money”!!!!! I pray and hope this to shall pass.